Woman's Own February 20 1960 Page 77

Mary Grant’s PROBLEM PAGE

*Write to me about any problems on which you hesitate to seek the advice of your friends. However difficult, however simple, I shall be very pleased to help you

We have nothing in common now

MANY girls imagine themselves in love with older men. And although a big difference in age is not always a bar to happiness in marriage, it often does give rise to difficulties later, as a reader who signs herself 'C.H.' has found. 

"I was married five years ago when I was only 16," she writes. "My husband was 38. It all seemed so romantic at the time but now I realize that we are totally unsuited, for now he is content to sit by the fire every night, while I long for fun and gaiety with people of my own age. 

"HE is a wonderful husband and we have a little girl of three whom he adores, but I can never be happy with this big gulf between us. 

"Should I stay with him for the sake of my daughter and try to make the best of it, or should I think of myself? 

"I know he would be good to the child if I did leave him. After all, she has her life before her; I feel that mine is being wasted. Nobody knows my problem. To the world we seem a wonderfully happy couple." 

This is a very sad situation and one cannot help wondering what induced C.H.'s parents to allow her to marry a man so much her senior at such an early age. The mistake, however, has been made, and what can she do except, as she says, make the best of it? 

She has no legal grounds for leaving her husband -and to me it seems unthinkable that she should abandon her little girl. 

To make the best of something does not just mean putting up with it, but trying to improve on it. I believe that this marriage could be a much happier one if both C.H. and her husband thought of each other rather more. 

It is natural that a young wife should enjoy a certain amount of fun and gaiety. Her husband should make an effort to get out of the middle-aged rut into which he seems to have settled. He is still in his prime, and this effort will be as good for him as it is for her.

SHE, on the other hand, should try to grow up. 

She should also try to find something in common with her husband. It sounds to me as if she has not tried very hard. C.H. admits that he is a wonderful husband and that he adores their little girl. Those are two big things to start with; many wives could not say as much. 

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I wish he'd telephone -About three months ago I became friendly with a young man who dated me three times, The last time we parted he said he would telephone me, but three weeks have now passed and I am still waiting. Do you think it would be wrong of me to telephone him?

 I am afraid you must just wait and see if he gets in touch with you again. As you went out with him only three times in about two months, three weeks does not seem a very long time to wait to hear from him- apart from which he may have been laid up with flu or something like that. If he is really interested it won't be long before he rings you, I'm sure. 

Should I tell him the truth? -I am going steady with a young man who wants to marry me but unfortunately I had an unhappy love affair two years ago, and as a result had a baby. The man and I parted and the baby was adopted. Should I tell my fiance about my past?

 It would hardly be possible for you to conceal the fact that you had had a child, so I advise you to let your fiance now. I do realize that this will require a great deal of courage but if he really loves you he will still want to marry you. 

We're rivals for his love -My problem is that I am very much in love with a man in our office. Another girl claims to love him, too, and although he says he loves me I can't help feeling that he may be taking advantage of the situation by playing her off against me. How can I be sure of his love?

 If you trust him so little as to doubt his word when he ays he loves you, I cannot help feeling that you are unlikely to find happiness together. And a man who is sincerely in love has no time for other girls, you know. If you really do have some concrete reason for supposing that he is simply flirting with both of you, the sooner you drop him the better. 

Im forced to deceive my mother - Recently I started to go out with a boy I love very much. I am 17. My mother does not know about him and I know she would disapprove. I can't give him up, yet I don't want to deceive my mother. Please help me-- but don't advise me to tell her; if I did, she wouldn't let me go out until I'd promised to stop seeing him. 

 You can't give him up, you won't Y tell your mother, you don't want to deceive her! Your problem seems insoluble, there is no fourth way out, is there? Find an opportunity of allowing her to meet the young man, for you cannot know that she would disapprove of your friendship with him until she has met him.

She's afraid of marriage -My daughter has been married for three years and has no children, not because she doesn't want them, but because she is afraid. Because of this, the marriage has not been consummated. I wish you would advise me, for the situation worries me a great deal.

 I am sure your daughter like her marriage to be a normal, happy one. You should advise her to get in touch with her local Marriage Guidance Council, who would help her. If she does not know the address, she can get it by writing to the National Marriage Guidance Council, 78 Duke Street, London W.1. Your daughters exaggerated fear of childbirth is probably due to ignorance. A booklet which explains the process of childbirth is The Way of Happy Motherhood. She can obtain a copy of this from WOMAN'S OWN Booklets, Tower House, Southampton Street, London W.C.2, for 1s. (about 14 cent)? post free. 

He’s the only one for me -I went out with a boy for a few months, then finished with him for no reason at all. Now I find I really love him. I see him occasionally, but he never asks me out. Do you think he is shy of asking me for a date? I do want him back, as there is no other boy for me. 

 Are you sure this isn't a case of wanting what you cannot have? I can't help wondering, for it seems odd that you should end your friendship for no reason if you were fond of the person concerned. He may not care to risk a snub by asking you out again. If you want to resume the friendship, I think you should first of all apologize for the hasty step you took in ending it. 

I’d like to know him better - During my weekly driving lessons I have fallen in love with the instructor. I do know that he isn't married. Is there any way I can get to know him better?

 You might give a little celebration party when you pass your test and include him in your list of guests. If he is interested in you he will be glad of the opportunity to meet you outside business hours. Do remember, though, that you cannot know enough about him yet to be sure of your feelings.

Quarrels in my home -For three years my daughter and her husband have lived with me. She was only 20 when she married and I gave my consent on the condition that they made their home with me, for I am a widow, and felt I could not face the loneliness of living by myself. Unfortunately, my son-in-law and I do not get on well, although we were the best of friends before they married. Now he is beginning to neglect my daughter by staying out at night. How can I speak to him about it without making things worse?

 With few exceptions it is a mistake for a young couple to start life with a parent-in-law. You and your son-in-law might still be the best of friends if you were not living under the same roof. Tell the young couple that you feel you made a mistake in asking them to share your home and encourage them to get one of their own. As for your own loneliness, couldn't you solve it by letting a bed-sitting room to a business girl? 

Write to: Mary Grant. WOMAN'S OWN, Tower House, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C.2.  enclosing a stamped addressed envelope for her reply.

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The average price of a new home then was $12700. about 2.46 times the yearly average wage of $5162. Which was about 1.99 times the price of a new car $2600. Today?