Mary Grant's Problem Page
Give love a chance to grow
- Write to me about any problems on which you hesitate to seek the advice of your friends. However difficult, however simple, I shall be, very pleased to help you.
Give love a chance to grow
THIS week, I received a letter which typifies the attitude of many girls towards friendships with men. The writer, who signs herself 'Worried Blue Eyes,' writes:
"During the last 18 months I have been out with many boys. I have liked them all very much. But after they asked me out, I completely lost interest in them, and naturally did not go out with them again. Some of them were very nice, others were not, but I couldn't be bothered with even the nice ones after just one date-I was so bored.
"I HAVE a friend who has also been out with many boys. The difference is that she used to stick with them for some time. She is now courting; both-the girls in the office are engaged, and I'm so depressed that I often want to cry."
'Worried Blue Eyes' does not realize that she is just over-romantic. She wants, like most girls, to find the right man and settle down with him-but she is in too much of a hurry.
She meets a young man, thinks he measures up to all her expectations, and then-probably because she has been expecting too much too soon-loses interest. She does not go out with him again, and is left feeling unhappy and envying her friends who seem to have managed their love affairs better.
She expects romance to develop immediately; she loses interest because the man is not exactly as she had imagined him, and so she drops him like a hot brick.
HER friend, whom she envies so much, was wiser; she took the trouble to get to know her boy friends and finally found the one she had been looking for. If 'Worried Blue Eyes' is wise, she will accept more than one invitation from a man she knows to be nice, even though she may not be particularly interested in him at first.
SHE cannot possibly know anyone after just one evening in his company, and unless she takes the trouble to get to know these young men as, friends, how can she possibly expect ever to settle down happily with one of them? She must learn to be in less of a hurry.
Falling in love at first sight is, in my opinion, rare. It is a much more gradual process and needs time to develop - the time which she is too impatient to spare.
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No one can help me
I am only 15 and live with my father, who is a widower. There is nobody I can ask about the facts of life, so can you please help me?
I could not possibly explain the things you ought to know at your age in the small space available here. I will send you the names of some booklets to read if you will write to me again, enclosing a stamped addressed envelope.
Living for the moment
Though we are happily married I have a problem. I am pessimistic about the future, while my husband isn't. He thinks that there is always hope for the world, but I feel that there is no point in saving for the future or doing anything with a view to future prosperity. We might just as well spend as we earn and have a good time while we can.
It is essential for us to have faith in the future and to do what we can, in our own small way, to ensure that it is better than the present. If everybody held your views there would be chaos. Every human being has to have a goal, and for most of us this is to make our particular environment a better one for ourselves and for our children. Nobody can live a happy or satisfactory life in such a negative frame of mind.
Are we risking too much?
Recently my friend and I were asked out by two young men whom we had not met before. We went for a drive with them and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. However, when we mentioned this to our friends they seemed shocked, and said it was inadvisable to go out with people one knows nothing about. We are both rather worried about this.
Not so long ago it would have been considered unthinkable for a decent girl even to speak to a man to whom she had not been formally introduced, but these restrictions have been very much relaxed. I do think, though, that it is not wise to go out alone in a car with total strangers. You were lucky, as these particular men were evidently decent. But I wouldn't take such a risk again if I were you.
I dread his arrival
Although I am still in my teens I am married and have a baby. My problem is that I have had a pen friend abroad for three years and now he is coming here on holiday and wants to see me. My letters are just friendly, but his are rather serious. I did not tell him when I married and my husband does not know I am writing to him. I am absolutely dreading his arrival here and the thought of my husband finding out about this correspondence really worries me.
This situation would never have arisen if you had done the sensible thing and had been frank with both your husband and your pen friend. I realize that it will not be easy now, but you will obviously have to write and tell the man abroad that you are married. I imagine that he will be extremely hurt and will not attempt to see you. It will not then be necessary to hurt your husband also by telling him of the correspondence that you have been carrying on without his knowledge.
It may be too late
I am 37 years old, and am to be married next year. I would very much like to have a child, but do you think it is too late in life or too risky to start a family?
Older women than you often have first babies, and I do not think there should be any risk attached to your starting a family when you marry. But it is obviously something about which you should consult your doctor beforehand.
Should I end it now?
Some time ago, I met a man at a dance. He lives at a distance, and we write regularly, just friendly letters. In his last letter he mentioned that he had taken a girl to a dance. Do you think I should carry on the correspondence with this man?
Why not, if it gives you pleasure? You are not tied to one another in any way and there is no reason why you should not both have friends of the opposite sex.
I cannot cope
My husband is away doing his National Service, leaving me alone with my two children. I know there are a lot of wives like me, but I just can't settle down without him here. My nerves are bad, and I can't handle the elder girl, who is 19 months. Sometimes I get so upset that I slap her-I've never been like this before. I have also started to smoke heavily and cry nearly every night. Do give me some advice.
I am very sorry for you, but, as you say yourself, there are many wives whose husbands are away, many of them for much longer than yours will be. You are obviously extremely run-down and nervy, and should consult your doctor; I am sure he will prescribe medicine to make you better able to face the situation. You do need adult friendships and interests. I assume that you take the younger child to a clinic regularly, so must have opportunities of getting into conversation with other young mothers. Ask one or two of them to tea next time you go. Perhaps it will lead to your being able to make some sort of mutual arrangement for baby-sitting, enabling you all to get out occasionally. I am sure this would-make all the difference to outlook.
'AnxiousF.M.,' Herts. Many women of your age tend to acquire a middle-aged spread,' but if you have put on a great deal of weight suddenly you ought to consult your doctor. It would not be possible for you to add to your family now.
'Anxious,'. Yarmouth. It might be possible for you to conceive again, but, frankly, I am afraid it is not likely that you would. But by all means ask your doctor's opinion.
'Worried,' Northampton. You were very unwise, but I do not think you need worry. I advise you to keep the incident to yourself and try to forget it.
Write to: Mary Grant, WOMAN'S OWN, Tower House, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C.2, enclosing a stamped addresssed envelope for her reply.
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