ask Evelyn Home
If you have a problem, write to her for advice at 189 High Holborn, London, W.C.1.
You should enclose a stamped, addressed envelope for reply
LACK OF HARMONY
Dear Evelyn Home
Our doctor believes that the cause of my married unhappiness is lack of sexual harmony.
Although I have recently been very ill through the birth of premature twins, he is strongly against family planning, and merely urges me to be more ready to accept my husband's advances.
He is sure that it is frustration which has made my husband ill tempered, moody and even violent.
My own inclinations, he says, are never to be followed unless they agree with my husband's. I do see that my husband has been as severely upset as I was by the death of our babies, but surely grief need not make a man so inconsiderate.
I shall try to follow our doctor's , advice but want to know if you agree.
*While following your doctor’s suggestions, do remember that you married in love. It is so much easier to do hard things for love; but must you agree with the views your doctor has about family planning?
Without love, the effort to appear a willing wife will not deceive anyone. Your husband would feel the lack of affection and be as frustrated as ever.
So do be practical. If you yourself have no conscientious objection, why not take on family planning as your responsibility, with your. husband's consent? Your nearest married women's clinic would give you all possible. help.
Remarriage And Health
As it young girl I suffered from anaemia and a weak heart, and was warned that I might never have a child. However I did have a baby at the age of thirty.
Now I am a widow and my cousin wants to marry me. But all our relatives say that because of my health, we shouldn't think of it.
*Many people still believe that cousins should never marry. Why? Medical experts believe. that, where the health record of both parents is good, the children of a cousin marriage should inherit a doubly good bill of health. .
But where there is any inherited illness and not all ailments come into this category then there is the risk to any children of a cousin marriage of their having this tendency passed on through both parents.
The very best person to advise you is a doctor who knows the health history of both you and your cousin.
I always advise any couple thinking of marriage, to have a thorough medical examination first. In your case it would be most wise to do so.
Don't be afraid knowing the truth is always better than worrying, and as often as not, there is in reality nothing at all to worry about.
Beginning Again
I'm very much in love with a boy at work he’s twenty, I'm sixteen, He asked me out once, but I refused; Should I be patient and hope he will ask me again, or should I try to forget him ?
*Let's face it you are mostly in love with the idea of romance,
Had you really liked this boy as much as you say, you would have accepted his invitation in the first place. Or were you “playing hard to get”?
Whichever your reason, it is clear that. you are not yet ready for romance. So be your age; have lots of friends, boys and girls, and stop dramatizing yourself into a lovelorn heroine,
Mother’s Dilemma
All my four sons are married and I'm very fond of my daughters in law; but I've begun to suspect the youngest one of going out with another man.
Although we have said nothing to our son, lately his nerves seem to be going to pieces; I think he is worry- ' ing and my heart aches for him. His wife is always complaining about him, and their life seems a misery.
I’ve never before interfered with the married life of any of them but do you think I should discuss this?
*No I'm afraid not. A parent's most difficult task is to learn to take a back seat in a grownup child’s life. Even a well meant uninvited intrusion into a married couple’s relationship can often cause more harm than good.
One thing you might do: next time your daughter in law complains of her husband (she may have reason to do so, for no one is perfect) encourage her to talk things over with her partner.
If you, can, recall incidents in your own married life when a calm and loving discussion of each other's failings improved your relationship.
This positive approach might help, whereas tackling-her about what is only a suspicion would be impertinent.
Working To Forgive
Believing I was the only woman in my husband's life I discovered a letter to him from another girl.
When I tackled him, he at first denied everything, then confessed that on one of the evenings he was out alone, he had met a girl and they had struck up a friendship.
They exchanged addresses (though he gave her his business address) and arranged to meet, but my husband says he never turned up.
He begs me to forgive him and says he was just lonely. He doesn't apparently think it is lonely for me sitting at home with our children. I can forgive, but how can I forget?
*What you need is a babysitter at least once a week so that you can go out with your husband.
Many men who have had the company of a girl friend and wife for Some years are very lonely when babies demand every minute of a mother's time.
Do your utmost to see your husband's viewpoint and it will be easier for you to forgive him in reality as well as in words. Once he knows you are trying to restore your old loving relationship believe he will help in the search for a babysitter and a more companionable home life.
Older Girl’s Problem
Two months ago I went to a party and met an attractive young man. Unfortunately, I made myself cheap and I now find I’m to have a baby.
I am thirty, living at home, and looked upon by my family and friends as not only a confirmed spinster, but above such behaviour. How I can possibly break the news to them I can't think.
The young man I've not seen since. In any case, I don't hold him responsible as it was my own silly fault,
*Had you written to me privately, I could have given you a , prompt, private reply. I am sorry for the delay, but letters sent without name or address must wait their turn for this page.
But if you haven't by this time made some arrangements about your future, please contact the General Secretary, National Council for the Unmarried Mother and Her Child, 21 Coram Street, London, W.C,!.
There you, will be given the best possible help and advice.
And please don't let your own self reproach make you assume that everyone will be anything but sympathetic and helpful once they have overcome the initial shock of your disclosure.
To Be Pitied
One of my neighbours is always gossiping. Hardly anything she says is true, and it's always spiteful-if
she doesn't know any scandal, she simply makes some up.
Even people she is nice to are attacked as soon as their backs are turned. What can be the matter with a person like this?
Sometimes, I feel I'd love to tell people about her, just to show her up in her true colour or should one be sorry for her?
I believe she despises her husband, she talks about him too, but what does se gain from it all?
*She sounds a very unhappy sort of person, trying to make everyone as bitter as she feels herself. But her kind of cruelty can cause a lot of harm if it is believed.
What you can do, perhaps, when you hear some story you know to be untrue or grossly exaggerated, is to say politely that you believe she must be misinformed because you happen to know the facts personally. .
But don't quarrel, with her. Others are probably just as aware as you of her failings and take no notice of her, except either to pity or despise her.
"Miserable And Frustrated"
This is a matter for your family doctor, who will advise you on what , help is available, although in fact it is more than possible that over anxiety is a contributory cause.
June, Nottingham
From the details in your letter, the likelihood of what you fear is so remote as to be almost impossible. Now put the past with all its worry behind you, and look forward with. joy and greater love to the future.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Personal Quiz ON COPING WITH MISFORTUNE
Every one of us is bound to run into a good deal of misfortune in an ordinary lifetime. Money and security cannot guard against illness, disappointment,sorrow or disillusion, but there is a quality of character that can put these trials in, their proper place: .
I would call it resilience; the ability to be rough handled by fate; yet to spring back into good form and good humour the instant it becomes possible.
Are you resilient? Quick to recover from the onslaughts of bad luck? Answer honestly and judge yourself.
Do you:
Trying to live more in the present is the best recipe for resilience; in almost every moment of living there is joy to be found by the woman whose mind is free to look for it.
Although I have recently been very ill through the birth of premature twins, he is strongly against family planning, and merely urges me to be more ready to accept my husband's advances.
He is sure that it is frustration which has made my husband ill tempered, moody and even violent.
My own inclinations, he says, are never to be followed unless they agree with my husband's. I do see that my husband has been as severely upset as I was by the death of our babies, but surely grief need not make a man so inconsiderate.
I shall try to follow our doctor's , advice but want to know if you agree.
*While following your doctor’s suggestions, do remember that you married in love. It is so much easier to do hard things for love; but must you agree with the views your doctor has about family planning?
Without love, the effort to appear a willing wife will not deceive anyone. Your husband would feel the lack of affection and be as frustrated as ever.
So do be practical. If you yourself have no conscientious objection, why not take on family planning as your responsibility, with your. husband's consent? Your nearest married women's clinic would give you all possible. help.
Remarriage And Health
As it young girl I suffered from anaemia and a weak heart, and was warned that I might never have a child. However I did have a baby at the age of thirty.
Now I am a widow and my cousin wants to marry me. But all our relatives say that because of my health, we shouldn't think of it.
*Many people still believe that cousins should never marry. Why? Medical experts believe. that, where the health record of both parents is good, the children of a cousin marriage should inherit a doubly good bill of health. .
But where there is any inherited illness and not all ailments come into this category then there is the risk to any children of a cousin marriage of their having this tendency passed on through both parents.
The very best person to advise you is a doctor who knows the health history of both you and your cousin.
I always advise any couple thinking of marriage, to have a thorough medical examination first. In your case it would be most wise to do so.
Don't be afraid knowing the truth is always better than worrying, and as often as not, there is in reality nothing at all to worry about.
Beginning Again
I'm very much in love with a boy at work he’s twenty, I'm sixteen, He asked me out once, but I refused; Should I be patient and hope he will ask me again, or should I try to forget him ?
*Let's face it you are mostly in love with the idea of romance,
Had you really liked this boy as much as you say, you would have accepted his invitation in the first place. Or were you “playing hard to get”?
Whichever your reason, it is clear that. you are not yet ready for romance. So be your age; have lots of friends, boys and girls, and stop dramatizing yourself into a lovelorn heroine,
Mother’s Dilemma
All my four sons are married and I'm very fond of my daughters in law; but I've begun to suspect the youngest one of going out with another man.
Although we have said nothing to our son, lately his nerves seem to be going to pieces; I think he is worry- ' ing and my heart aches for him. His wife is always complaining about him, and their life seems a misery.
I’ve never before interfered with the married life of any of them but do you think I should discuss this?
*No I'm afraid not. A parent's most difficult task is to learn to take a back seat in a grownup child’s life. Even a well meant uninvited intrusion into a married couple’s relationship can often cause more harm than good.
One thing you might do: next time your daughter in law complains of her husband (she may have reason to do so, for no one is perfect) encourage her to talk things over with her partner.
If you, can, recall incidents in your own married life when a calm and loving discussion of each other's failings improved your relationship.
This positive approach might help, whereas tackling-her about what is only a suspicion would be impertinent.
Working To Forgive
Believing I was the only woman in my husband's life I discovered a letter to him from another girl.
When I tackled him, he at first denied everything, then confessed that on one of the evenings he was out alone, he had met a girl and they had struck up a friendship.
They exchanged addresses (though he gave her his business address) and arranged to meet, but my husband says he never turned up.
He begs me to forgive him and says he was just lonely. He doesn't apparently think it is lonely for me sitting at home with our children. I can forgive, but how can I forget?
*What you need is a babysitter at least once a week so that you can go out with your husband.
Many men who have had the company of a girl friend and wife for Some years are very lonely when babies demand every minute of a mother's time.
Do your utmost to see your husband's viewpoint and it will be easier for you to forgive him in reality as well as in words. Once he knows you are trying to restore your old loving relationship believe he will help in the search for a babysitter and a more companionable home life.
Older Girl’s Problem
Two months ago I went to a party and met an attractive young man. Unfortunately, I made myself cheap and I now find I’m to have a baby.
I am thirty, living at home, and looked upon by my family and friends as not only a confirmed spinster, but above such behaviour. How I can possibly break the news to them I can't think.
The young man I've not seen since. In any case, I don't hold him responsible as it was my own silly fault,
*Had you written to me privately, I could have given you a , prompt, private reply. I am sorry for the delay, but letters sent without name or address must wait their turn for this page.
But if you haven't by this time made some arrangements about your future, please contact the General Secretary, National Council for the Unmarried Mother and Her Child, 21 Coram Street, London, W.C,!.
There you, will be given the best possible help and advice.
And please don't let your own self reproach make you assume that everyone will be anything but sympathetic and helpful once they have overcome the initial shock of your disclosure.
To Be Pitied
One of my neighbours is always gossiping. Hardly anything she says is true, and it's always spiteful-if
she doesn't know any scandal, she simply makes some up.
Even people she is nice to are attacked as soon as their backs are turned. What can be the matter with a person like this?
Sometimes, I feel I'd love to tell people about her, just to show her up in her true colour or should one be sorry for her?
I believe she despises her husband, she talks about him too, but what does se gain from it all?
*She sounds a very unhappy sort of person, trying to make everyone as bitter as she feels herself. But her kind of cruelty can cause a lot of harm if it is believed.
What you can do, perhaps, when you hear some story you know to be untrue or grossly exaggerated, is to say politely that you believe she must be misinformed because you happen to know the facts personally. .
But don't quarrel, with her. Others are probably just as aware as you of her failings and take no notice of her, except either to pity or despise her.
"Miserable And Frustrated"
This is a matter for your family doctor, who will advise you on what , help is available, although in fact it is more than possible that over anxiety is a contributory cause.
June, Nottingham
From the details in your letter, the likelihood of what you fear is so remote as to be almost impossible. Now put the past with all its worry behind you, and look forward with. joy and greater love to the future.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Personal Quiz ON COPING WITH MISFORTUNE
Every one of us is bound to run into a good deal of misfortune in an ordinary lifetime. Money and security cannot guard against illness, disappointment,sorrow or disillusion, but there is a quality of character that can put these trials in, their proper place: .
I would call it resilience; the ability to be rough handled by fate; yet to spring back into good form and good humour the instant it becomes possible.
Are you resilient? Quick to recover from the onslaughts of bad luck? Answer honestly and judge yourself.
Do you:
1. Continue to resent insults given you years ago by people you no loner know?Three honest "yeses" indicate that you tend 'to wallow' in depression rather than snap out of it.
2. Start openly to dread dental appointments or hospital treatment weeks before they are due?
3. Feel that one serious disappointment can warp a character for life?
4. See no good at all in being disillusioned?
5. Think that easily consoled people have shallow feelings?
Trying to live more in the present is the best recipe for resilience; in almost every moment of living there is joy to be found by the woman whose mind is free to look for it.
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