 |
| A Japanese bride, in traditional kimono, and her husband drink rice wine at their Tokyo wedding -------- continued on page 27 |
BEGINNING
Your marriage is not like this
EXCLUSIVE REPORT BY DR. DAVID MACE ON EASTERN MARRIAGE CUSTOMS
DURING the past five years I have visited Asia four times. My wife and I were given the opportunity to study the marriage customs of the teeming millions who inhabit the " mysterious East" to get to know how the other half of the world lives.
I smile as I think now of how ignorant we were when we began. For instance, I had always thought of the East as exotic and romantic. In a sense this is true.
But not at all in the sense in which we usually think of romance, in terms of courtship, of the ardent wooing of a man and the rapturous response of a girl.
Courtship, in fact, is almost non-existent in the East. One beautiful evening my wife and I went for a stroll in the famous Hanging Gardens of Bombay. As the brief Indian twilight faded, the white lamps shone out along the curve of the city's splendid marine drive, the "pearl necklace," as they aptly call it.
In the park, thousands of coloured lights in the trees made a fairyland. Coloured fountains poured glittering columns of cascading water high into the air. Haunting Indian music was wafted on the cool, gentle breeze.
In such a setting, in the West, the park would have been filled with courting couples. Not so, in the East. There were groups of men, groups of women. But not a single girl-boy pair. An Asian boy and girl publicly walking hand in hand, or arm in arm, would cause an outright sensation. Love is still a dream for Eastern youth.
Does this mean that the' East has failed to understand and value love?' Not at all. Eastern writers have produced some most exquisite love lyrics and love stories.
Yet the East outlaws romantic love. Why? Because it values marriage more.
This reasoning, to Western minds, seems absurd. How can love be hostile to marriage?
The answer is that during thousands of years the East has come to veil,be that what. we often call love' is no more than a biological fever in the blood. The emotions that make a man and woman feel excited in each other's presence all point to, and if not thwarted lead to, the same ultimate goal, that of sexual union.
There's nothing wrong with that. Easterners are downright and realistic about sex. They recognize quite frankly that a man needs a woman and a woman needs a man. But long experience has taught them that these needs have to be regulated, otherwise social life is thrown into confusion.
So they start off by saying that sexual needs are of themselves almost impersonal. A normal man will be able to satisfy his desire with almost any woman. A normal woman will be able to respond to almost any man, or at least to become pregnant by him, which is what matters.
However, to allow sexual appetites to go beyond this point, and become fastidious about their objects, is to invite trouble.
On this basis, marriages are arranged for young people as soon as it is socially convenient. Meanwhile the sexes are kept apart.
Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, said that a boy and girl should never sit together after the age of seven. To let them do so would only encourage dangerous ideas!
MARRIAGES in the East are, therefore, not based on what we call love. Even today, a boy and a girl may never have seen each other before their wedding day.
In Eastern tradition the bride wore a veil. Only after she had become his wife could the bridegroom lift the veil and look at his bride's face!
No romance. No courtship.
Love marriages, they think in the East, are too dangerous. We have a saying that love laughs at locksmiths. It also laughs at differences of caste, religion, social status, and even horoscopes, that don't match. To ignore any of these, to the traditional Eastern mind, would be a disastrous basis on which to venture into marriage.
So the parents take no chances. They firmly ignore youth's wild romantic fancies, and choose husbands and wives for their sons and daughters on a very practical down to earth basis. How can inexperienced young people possibly know whether they are suited to each other as life partners?
THERE is a lot of truth in this Eastern view. An eminent sociologist has reminded us that nothing but fear makes the heart beat as fast as love does; and that the faster the heart beats, the more reason becomes confused.
Our traditional picture of Cupid, blindfolded, firing his arrows wildly in all directions, reflects long centuries of bitter human experience.
On the basis of this experience, Asians have decided that romance is such an untrustworthy factor in choosing a marriage partner that it is best to eliminate it completely.
Does this mean, as some people think, that the East encourages loveless marriage?
Not necessarily. Young people in the East look forward to finding love in marriage, just as young people do in the West. The difference lies in the way in which they expect to find it.
"In the West," as an Indian girl described it, "you fall in love, then marry. We marry, then fall in love."
In Hong Kong a Chinese girl put it more vividly. "Love is like a kettle on the fire. When Western marriages begin, the fire is roaring and the kettle is boiling. Then the water gradually gets colder. When Eastern marriages begin, the fire is low and the kettle is cold. Then slowly the fire burns brighter and slowly the water gets hotter."
How do young people in the East accept this idea?
We found that, apart from a small minority who had been strongly influenced by Western ideas, they accepted it.
What the girls said was that a woman can learn to love any man who is good to her; and the chances of his being good to her are very favourable if she gives him, unhesitatingly and completely, the love of her full heart.
All of a girl's training in the East emphasizes this whole hearted devotion to her future husband. From the time she is a small child she is intensively prepared for her future life as a wife and mother.
Until recently very few girls had the chance to be educated, Marriage is still the great goal of a woman's life.
Her mother teaches her to cook and sew and be a good housewife. She learns all about child care, because even as a little girl she is given smaller children to look after.
But above all, she is constantly reminded that her futures happiness depends on her power to give happiness to her husband.
DOES love really come to these marriages? I found plenty of evidence that it does.
Among our friends in the East are some of the most affectionate and devoted couples we have ever met. Yet they had no share in choosing each other at all. Most of them met for the first time on their wedding day.
Nowadays, with the increasing infiltration of Western ideas, the struggle to suppress romance is losing ground. Hollywood films have had a particularly powerful influence on young people in the East.
At first, parents made every effort to keep their sons and daughters away from the cinemas. When this failed, they tried to have the films modified to suit Eastern ideas.
What was particularly offensive was the love scenes. In the East there has always been opposition to public demonstration of affection.
WHAT about the love scenes in Eastern plays? As a Westerner, I found these amusing.
To begin with, the part of the man is usually taken by a woman, it would be improper to have a real man.
Even so, the loving couple would , never dream of touching, let alone embracing, on the stage.
They go through an almost endless pantomime of gazing longingly at each other, sighing deeply, stretching out their arms, but always at a respectful distance.
With this background, you can imagine how shocking the acting of, our full-blooded and uninhibited film stars must seem,
At first, Western films were shown only on condition that the operator arranged a fade-out when the lovers embraced. If he failed to do this, cries of indignation would arise from the audience.
This kind of opposition has gradually been modified. In Eastern cities today, Western films are generally shown without any cuts or fade-outs.
It looks as if the opponents of romance are fighting a losing battle. Perhaps a day is coming when the Hanging Gardens in Bombay will be full of courting couples. Whether that will lead to more or less love in Eastern marriage is anybody's guess.
© by David and Vera Mace, 1959
NEXT WEEK: Every girl in the East is certain of a husband
Your marriage is not like this
EXCLUSIVE REPORT BY DR. DAVID MACE ON EASTERN MARRIAGE CUSTOMS
DURING the past five years I have visited Asia four times. My wife and I were given the opportunity to study the marriage customs of the teeming millions who inhabit the " mysterious East" to get to know how the other half of the world lives.
I smile as I think now of how ignorant we were when we began. For instance, I had always thought of the East as exotic and romantic. In a sense this is true.
But not at all in the sense in which we usually think of romance, in terms of courtship, of the ardent wooing of a man and the rapturous response of a girl.
Courtship, in fact, is almost non-existent in the East. One beautiful evening my wife and I went for a stroll in the famous Hanging Gardens of Bombay. As the brief Indian twilight faded, the white lamps shone out along the curve of the city's splendid marine drive, the "pearl necklace," as they aptly call it.
In the park, thousands of coloured lights in the trees made a fairyland. Coloured fountains poured glittering columns of cascading water high into the air. Haunting Indian music was wafted on the cool, gentle breeze.
In such a setting, in the West, the park would have been filled with courting couples. Not so, in the East. There were groups of men, groups of women. But not a single girl-boy pair. An Asian boy and girl publicly walking hand in hand, or arm in arm, would cause an outright sensation. Love is still a dream for Eastern youth.
Does this mean that the' East has failed to understand and value love?' Not at all. Eastern writers have produced some most exquisite love lyrics and love stories.
Yet the East outlaws romantic love. Why? Because it values marriage more.
This reasoning, to Western minds, seems absurd. How can love be hostile to marriage?
The answer is that during thousands of years the East has come to veil,be that what. we often call love' is no more than a biological fever in the blood. The emotions that make a man and woman feel excited in each other's presence all point to, and if not thwarted lead to, the same ultimate goal, that of sexual union.
There's nothing wrong with that. Easterners are downright and realistic about sex. They recognize quite frankly that a man needs a woman and a woman needs a man. But long experience has taught them that these needs have to be regulated, otherwise social life is thrown into confusion.
So they start off by saying that sexual needs are of themselves almost impersonal. A normal man will be able to satisfy his desire with almost any woman. A normal woman will be able to respond to almost any man, or at least to become pregnant by him, which is what matters.
However, to allow sexual appetites to go beyond this point, and become fastidious about their objects, is to invite trouble.
On this basis, marriages are arranged for young people as soon as it is socially convenient. Meanwhile the sexes are kept apart.
Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, said that a boy and girl should never sit together after the age of seven. To let them do so would only encourage dangerous ideas!
MARRIAGES in the East are, therefore, not based on what we call love. Even today, a boy and a girl may never have seen each other before their wedding day.
In Eastern tradition the bride wore a veil. Only after she had become his wife could the bridegroom lift the veil and look at his bride's face!
No romance. No courtship.
Love marriages, they think in the East, are too dangerous. We have a saying that love laughs at locksmiths. It also laughs at differences of caste, religion, social status, and even horoscopes, that don't match. To ignore any of these, to the traditional Eastern mind, would be a disastrous basis on which to venture into marriage.
So the parents take no chances. They firmly ignore youth's wild romantic fancies, and choose husbands and wives for their sons and daughters on a very practical down to earth basis. How can inexperienced young people possibly know whether they are suited to each other as life partners?
THERE is a lot of truth in this Eastern view. An eminent sociologist has reminded us that nothing but fear makes the heart beat as fast as love does; and that the faster the heart beats, the more reason becomes confused.
Our traditional picture of Cupid, blindfolded, firing his arrows wildly in all directions, reflects long centuries of bitter human experience.
On the basis of this experience, Asians have decided that romance is such an untrustworthy factor in choosing a marriage partner that it is best to eliminate it completely.
Does this mean, as some people think, that the East encourages loveless marriage?
Not necessarily. Young people in the East look forward to finding love in marriage, just as young people do in the West. The difference lies in the way in which they expect to find it.
"In the West," as an Indian girl described it, "you fall in love, then marry. We marry, then fall in love."
In Hong Kong a Chinese girl put it more vividly. "Love is like a kettle on the fire. When Western marriages begin, the fire is roaring and the kettle is boiling. Then the water gradually gets colder. When Eastern marriages begin, the fire is low and the kettle is cold. Then slowly the fire burns brighter and slowly the water gets hotter."
How do young people in the East accept this idea?
We found that, apart from a small minority who had been strongly influenced by Western ideas, they accepted it.
What the girls said was that a woman can learn to love any man who is good to her; and the chances of his being good to her are very favourable if she gives him, unhesitatingly and completely, the love of her full heart.
All of a girl's training in the East emphasizes this whole hearted devotion to her future husband. From the time she is a small child she is intensively prepared for her future life as a wife and mother.
Until recently very few girls had the chance to be educated, Marriage is still the great goal of a woman's life.
Her mother teaches her to cook and sew and be a good housewife. She learns all about child care, because even as a little girl she is given smaller children to look after.
But above all, she is constantly reminded that her futures happiness depends on her power to give happiness to her husband.
DOES love really come to these marriages? I found plenty of evidence that it does.
Among our friends in the East are some of the most affectionate and devoted couples we have ever met. Yet they had no share in choosing each other at all. Most of them met for the first time on their wedding day.
Nowadays, with the increasing infiltration of Western ideas, the struggle to suppress romance is losing ground. Hollywood films have had a particularly powerful influence on young people in the East.
At first, parents made every effort to keep their sons and daughters away from the cinemas. When this failed, they tried to have the films modified to suit Eastern ideas.
What was particularly offensive was the love scenes. In the East there has always been opposition to public demonstration of affection.
WHAT about the love scenes in Eastern plays? As a Westerner, I found these amusing.
To begin with, the part of the man is usually taken by a woman, it would be improper to have a real man.
Even so, the loving couple would , never dream of touching, let alone embracing, on the stage.
They go through an almost endless pantomime of gazing longingly at each other, sighing deeply, stretching out their arms, but always at a respectful distance.
With this background, you can imagine how shocking the acting of, our full-blooded and uninhibited film stars must seem,
At first, Western films were shown only on condition that the operator arranged a fade-out when the lovers embraced. If he failed to do this, cries of indignation would arise from the audience.
This kind of opposition has gradually been modified. In Eastern cities today, Western films are generally shown without any cuts or fade-outs.
It looks as if the opponents of romance are fighting a losing battle. Perhaps a day is coming when the Hanging Gardens in Bombay will be full of courting couples. Whether that will lead to more or less love in Eastern marriage is anybody's guess.
© by David and Vera Mace, 1959
NEXT WEEK: Every girl in the East is certain of a husband
No comments:
Post a Comment