Mary Grant's PROBLEM PAGE
Write to me about any problems on which you hesitate to seek the advice of your, friends. However difficult, however simple, I shall be very pleased to help you
The future I planned is in ruins
PRIDE plays its part in almost all human relationships; too much pride may lead to misunderstanding and tragedy, too little to loss of self-respect. It is because she had too little pride in the past that Rose has a problem today.
"Many years ago," she writes, "I had an affair with a man whom I loved deeply. He promised to marry me, and things went too far between us. A few months later he went abroad, and we lost touch.
"Two years ago I met another man; he is gentle and kind, and everything that any woman could desire. I am 40 now, and never expected love and marriage-would come my way, but we planned our future. Now it is all ruined because the first man came back and got in touch with me.
"I WAS flattered to think that he remembered me after so long, and we met again.
"For a month we went about together, without my fiance's knowledge. This man was gay and amusing, as he had always been, and I let him go too far again.
"One day my future husband called at my home and found the other man there. I tried to explain that there was nothing wrong in our friendship, but he knew I was lying, and left.
"Shall I go to see him, and pocket my pride? It seems dreadful that I should lose what is probably my last chance of marriage, for the sake of a few weeks with an absolute rotter. . . ."
Rose does, I am sure, genuinely respect and admire the man who asked her to marry him-but I am bound to say that her letter does not suggest that she loves him as I believe she once loved the other man.
BECAUSE she is afraid of a lonely future she lays all the blame for the unhappy business on that man, but is this fair?
He may be as much of a rotter as she says he is, but she realized that all those years ago, when he went abroad and left her.
One can understand how easily an innocent girl may be taken in by the plausible tongue of a man of the world, but it is very difficult to understand how a woman no longer young can risk her whole future for the sake of someone who, she knows, is simply using her for his own pleasure.
THE question here hardly seems to be pride; Rose has none left. All she can do is to tell the man with whom she hoped to find happiness, all she has told me, in the hope that his love is great enough for him to forgive her.
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He is so domineering
I have been going out with a young man for about six weeks. He wants me to marry him, but I'm not really sure of my feelings. He has a very domineering personality, and I find it hard to go against his wishes.
Of course you should not agree to marry a man unless you are sure of your love for him. But, apart from this, you have not known this man anything like long enough to consider marriage-it takes longer than six weeks to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Make up your own mind, in your own time.
I can't help loving him
The boy I am in love with is not free -he is engaged to another girl. The trouble is we are both students, taking the same course, and I can't avoid seeing him. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to disguise my feelings. How can I cope? .
If one recognizes a situation for what it is, it is usually possible come to terms with it. Your fellow-student loves another girl, but you have not quite accepted it. Subconsciously you are hoping that something will happen to interrupt the engagement, and he will turn to you. Try to make yourself believe that this is only wishful thinking. The state of being in love rarely lasts when it is one-sided.
She is wasting her youth
Our daughter is 17, but she takes no trouble to look pretty, or to get out and enjoy, herself. This worries my husband and I, we feel she is wasting her youth.
It sounds as though your daughter has never made enough friends of her own age, so you could encourage her to join a club, or arrange for young people to come to the house. I feel only contact with other youngsters will help. When she studies the attitude of her contemporaries, no doubt she will fall into line without realizing it.
My boy friend has changed
I have been courting for two years and my boy friend has now suggested a three-month separation; he says he wants to have the 'fling' he missed - when he was younger. A friend of his is home for three months, and I feel he has influenced my boy, by telling him what he has missed through being tied to one girl. My boy friend says his feelings for me haven't changed, but I don't know how I stand, and I'm worried.
You can refuse to agree, of course, but then you might lose him permanently, instead of for only three months. I think you should agree, and try not to let him see the suggestion hurts you. You might even suggest you will be glad of the opportunity to having a little fling yourself. It is quite possible he will think better of the idea then.
My mother parted us
When I take my boy friends home, my mother never seems to like them, and she always succeeds in parting us. I am an only child. Now I am courting a boy almost two years my junior; he has to do his National Service soon, which means we can't marry for three years. He is mature for his age and a lot more sensible than I, but my mother ignores him when he calls for me, and isn't very friendly if he spends an evening at home with us. Her attitude makes us so unhappy,
Since you have experienced this sort of thing before, I imagine your mother simply dislikes the idea of your marrying and going away from her. This is natural, but you have your own life to lead, so if you love your boy, don't let your mother part you,
My husband doesn't know
I am 20, and have been married for two years. My husband is very good to me, and loves me, but I don't love him any longer. I have met another man; he is single, and says he would marry me if I were free. What worries me is that my husband does not know I am seeing another man. I wish I dare tell him, as I hate going behind his back. What ought I to do? I love this other man so much.
What you ought to do is stop seeing this other man, and make up your mind to forget him. You must have loved your husband once, surely you can recapture the old feeling, especially as he is so good and kind. This is obviously not what you want me to say, but you are married-even if you are very young-and it is up to you to grow up, and make a success of the life you chose for yourself.
Can our baby be adopted
We are to have another child, and my husband and I agree we simply can't stand the worry of more children. We want to have the new baby adopted, or sent to a home. Don't- think us heartless, we just want the best for the baby.
I am sorry you are worried and unhappy, but it is very unusual for authorities to sanction the adoption of a child of a married couple who are living together. Surely you could make up your mind, that you will manage, and refuse to worry about the future I know this is easy to say, but it will be a long time before the new baby becomes an expense, and by then your financial position may be better. You seem to be feeling rather desperate. Why not visit your doctor, and have a check-up?
'J.C.' It is quite possible that you will have children when you marry" Your doctor will be able to advise you about the health problems you mention,
'Anxious Friend.' Your friend's best plan is to consult a solicitor, a letter from him will probably end the trouble.
'Marart.' I do not think you need worry, but obviously only a doctor can, tell you for certain that there is nothing wrong.
Write to: Mary Grant, WOMAN'S OWN, Tower House, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C2, enclosing a stamped addressed envelope for her reply.
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