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Mary was well aware that she was
marrying a man of strong passions but her heart was full of pity for his loneliness |
Woman SERIAL
Mary Bravender
by OLGA STRINGELLOW
ILLUSTRATED BY MICHAEL JOHNSON
The story so far:
I was alone In the world when I lost my beloved Aunt Saire, but for the man I was to marry, EDWARD CARVEN CARY. It was of no small comfort, therefore, that on the voyage to New Zealand to join my betrothed I should make the acquaintance of kind MRS. BULLEN.
Her husband, JUDGE BULLEN; met our ship at Fort Chalmers and to my relief, awaiting me there was a letter from Mr. Cary bidding me hasten.
Mrs. Bullen was happy to be assured of the esteem in which Aunt Saire had held Mr. Cary in England. It would have shocked her, however, to learn that though our betrothal had Aunt Saire’s approbation, she had planned to visit New Zealand. with me and that on her death I had merely written to announce my impending arrival.
We were some days out before I ventured on deck. I found difficulty in setting up a chair, and to my assistance came a well-dressed stranger, who introduced himself as CHASE PENDENNIS.
The encounter became distasteful when I learned that not only did he know my future husband, but that he held him in low regard, and expressed extreme surprise at my position.
I was mortified at Wellington to find no sign of Mr. Cary, nor message from him. Mrs. Bullen insisted that I stay with them, and gladly I set about putting my wardrobe in order. I was increasingly aware of the pity I aroused in the days that followed, and further humiliated by a visit from Mr. Pendennis during the temporary absence of Mrs. Bullen. I assured him proudly that I knew the whereabouts of my fiance and the reasons for his delay, though indeed I did not.
When Mrs. Bullen returned, having met Mr. Pendennis on his wav from the house, she handed me a packet form him containing a dictionary of the Maori language inscribed in his name, accompanied by a note, which heightened my embarrassment at having lied to him.
Next day there was still no word of Mr. Cary and I endeavoured to reassure Mrs. Bullen as to the circumstances of our acquaintance. But in the morning she joyfully announced that he had come. My greatest anxiety now was whether he would still find me attractive.
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| As we entered the house Mr. Cray turned on me furiously. "Why did you dance with him? What was he saying to you alone on the terrace? " continued on page 15 |
I SAW Edward Cray before he saw me; He and the Judge were deep in conversation together. His profile was half turned towards me and I felt my breath catch as I saw the pallor of his face despite its sunbrowning.
From his message, I had assumed business to be the only reason for his absence. I was suddenly conscience, stricken that I had not even considered the possibility of his being ill.
"Why, there you are, my dear" Mr. Bullen said, striding across the lawn towards me. He took my hand and led me to where Mr. Cary was now rising to his feet. "And now perhaps I can leave you to entertain each other for a little," he said, pressing my fingers gently as if he sensed my lack of assurance. "I have convinced Mr. Cray he can eat a second breakfast, so we shall have the pleasure of his company."
With that he was gone and for a moment neither of us spoke.
Then Mr. Cary said stiffly, a faint flush staining his cheeks, "I have to apologize to you, Miss Bravender. My behaviour must certainly seem inexcusable."
But I stopped him before he could say more. "Please, Mr. Cray! You can tell me another time; I know your reasons will be more than adequate." He had relaxed visibly at my words and I added shyly, "What matters is that you are here now."
"Indeed you are right!" he returned, and took both my hands in his, smiling gravely. "I have looked forward for so long to this moment, it is hard to believe that it has at last come."
WE stood there smiling at each other for several seconds. It was thus that Mrs. Bullen found us when she came to call us to breakfast. During the meal I studied him covertly whenever he was not looking my way, but although I was aware of some definite change in him I could not have said what it was and finally set it down to his unaccustomed pallor. He was even handsomer than I had realized and I was delighted to see how well he and these dear people got on together. Mrs. Bullen invited him to join me as their guest, but he explained he was staying at an hotel beside the market expressly to be able to attend the early morning sales and, apart from the inconvenience to a hostess of a guest who rose at five, he liked to take the opportunity these occasions provided of increasing his knowledge of farming affairs.
I felt very proud of him as he spoke, and I could see that the Judge and his wife were equally approving of both his industry and his modesty.
It was only as we were finishing the meal that I learned with great pleasure that we were all to go to a ball that night at the Governor's Residence.
"We were not going to mention it if Mr. Cary had not arrived in time," said Mrs. Bullen, smiling at my astonishment. "But the menfolk have agreed between them that it would be a very pleasant way to celebrate your reunion and I must say I am delighted that we shall be going after all."
THE Judge left immediately after breakfast and Mrs. Bullen made some excuse for leaving Mr. Cary and me alone. The slight strain there had been between us earlier had disappeared, but there was a certain natural strangeness after the months of separation and I was glad when he spoke not of us, but of Aunt Saire.
He was very kind and sympathetic with me in my loss, saying what I had not known before, that she had told him herself of her weak heart, and had said she asked only to be spared until I had no more need of her.
I was very near to tears when he had finished and he added, "I have often wondered if she knew before I did of my regard for you, and was trying to point the way."
I looked at him wonderingly, for it had certainly sounded very like it and it would mean a great deal to me to know that our marriage was what she had planned and would have wanted.
Suddenly he said: "I know this will come as a shock to you, Miss Bravender, but I have obtained a special licence. I have even," he added, with an attempt at a smile which did not quite succeed, "engaged the church and been invited to bring my bride and any friends to the minister's home for refreshments after the ceremony, if you will agree, we can be married there the day after tomorrow."
"The day after tomorrow!" I said. "Two days?"
He dropped his glance and said, "Forgive me. I had no right to ask. But I have left my young trainee in charge at Parenga and I must get back. It is unlikely that I could get back again in less than six weeks."
When I did not immediately reply he turned away, obviously hurt, and I felt my hesitation was cruel. I was well aware that I could stay with Mrs. Bullen for the six weeks or more, if necessary. And indeed that she would certainly prefer that I did so.
I FELT that Aunt Saire would indeed have felt the same, but there was the indisputable fact that she had trusted Mr. Cray with a secret that she had kept even from me, and that she had discussed with him her concern for my future welfare.
And since we were to marry, what could it matter when we did so? I should be flattered that he wished to speed the day. But it was when I looked up to see him staring moodily out over the harbour that I made up my mind.
There was something in his pose that reminded me of the lonely life he had painted which had first aroused my sympathy for him and Mrs. Bullen's translation of the name of the district where he lived came back: "The Place of the Long Waiting."
I reached up to touch his arm and he turned at once.
"I had rather we were married before you left," I said, and was rewarded by the swift lightening of his expression.
WHEN it came to telling Mrs. Bullen of our plans, however, I concealed my own doubts and indeed found a hundred answers to hers. Mr. Cary had stayed to luncheon but left soon after and once she had assured herself of my absolute determination not to consider a postponement of the ceremony, we spent a very pleasant afternoon together, during which she gave me one of her favourite recipe books, and a great deal of information that would be helpful to me as a housewife in a new country.
For the Governor's Ball I had decided to wear a rose silk crinoline, quite the most splendid garment I possessed, which was one of the Paris models Aunt Saire had urged me to buy and finally purchased for me. I had never worn it before, but tonight I wished to look my best.
There was no doubt that I did. When I finally stood before the cheval glass I knew that I had never in my life been more satisfied with my appearance and I blessed Aunt Saire as I went proudly to join my fiance.
He was standing at the open windows, gazing down at the lights of the town below with the same morose look I had seen earlier that day and I smiled a little, knowing how his expression would change when he saw me.
"Good , evening sir!" I said lightly, and curtsied as he turned.
But the smile I had expected did not come and I rose, embarrassed, too amazed at the brooding disapproval on his face to realize that he had not even returned my greeting.
" Is anything wrong?" I asked. He said, unbelievingly, "Do you intend to let other men see you in that gown?"
I felt myself blench at his tone and a moment later flush scarlet as I saw where his glance was directed and recognized the rebuke for what it was: a suggestion that my decolletage was not completely modest. I stared at him dumbfounded.
THE next moment he had crossed over and fallen to his knees before me, begging my forgiveness. He had been ill, he told me: that was the chief, reason for his delay in coming.
And all the time he had been haunted by the fear that I would not come, that I would change my mind, that I would meet someone more worthy of me. He had been further tormented by the thought of other men sharing my life aboard the ship.
He had clasped my left hand in both his own, and although I knew I would not soon lose the chill his words had laid upon my heart, the torrent of shamed apology that tumbled from his lips aroused my compassion. My right hand seemed to move of its own volition. I found myself stroking his hair.
"Hush," I murmured."Hush," and as he lifted my imprisoned hand to his mouth I found his cheek was wet with tears.
I felt that I had aged ten years in as many minutes, and realized that a large part of my feeling towards this man was indeed maternal: I wanted to comfort him, reassure him. I had never known a moment's jealousy in my life and found its manifestation appalling, but that did not alter the fact that he had suffered through it.
I bent to press my cheek against the top of his head, then gently tugged at his hands.
"Come," I said. "I want you to point out to me the Governor's Residence. I am sure it must be well lighted tonight."
I made no attempt to meet his eyes and he did not answer, but he held my hand tightly as I led him into the garden and as soon as we had reached the darkness beyond the lamplight he turned suddenly and took me in his arms, pressing his lips on mine.
It was the first time he had ever kissed me and I immediately wished it could have been undone. I don't know what I had expected and certainly had no yardstick of comparison. But I had long imagined the first kiss of a lover to be somehow transforming to the recipient, something that lifted one's heart until one walked on air, and I was ruefully aware that the reality was a far cry from my dream.
I wondered if Mr. Cray were sharing my feelings in the matter, but it did not seem likely: my move to give him the chance to compose himself before our hosts joined us had been altogether successful.
His whole mien had changed mercurially as he pointed out first one and then another of the more notable buildings of the town. By the time we heard Mrs. Bullen call us from the drawing-room he was completely himself again.
Both she and the Judge complimented me highly on my appearance, and by the time we set off by carriage for the Governor's Residence my spirits had lifted, and I was determined that I would allow no recollection of my fiance's strange behaviour to mar our first evening together.
It was evident by the way the Judge and his wife were greeted at the magnificent Residence that the pair were frequent and honoured guests, and I soon found this to be an indication of what was to come, for they seemed to know and be known by everyone present and were most warmly received by the Governor himself, who insisted that we must join his own party.
I soon lost hope of remembering the names of all I met, but I should have had to be blind and deaf to be unaware of all the compliments paid me.
The ballroom presented a truly beautiful sight. Four magnificent chandeliers repeated themselves it hundred times in the huge mirrors that lined the wall along one side and were reflected brilliantly in the tall windows on the other.
There was a chorus of laughing assent and Judge Bullen said, smiling down at me, "Well, my wife and I can certainly claim to have transplanted a rose of Scotland to ours," and I flushed at the compliment as Sir George bowed in agreement.
"I trust you will find the transplantation to your taste; Miss Bravender" he said kindly. "If you stay among us we shall be able to feel we have truly plucked a flower from the home country."
As I thanked him for his compliment, I saw from Mr. Cary’s expression that he disliked the manner in which the Governor had singled me out for attention and, although I could see no reason for such objection, I was nevertheless relieved when Sir George gave the signal for the ball to commence by leading Mrs. Bullen out on to the floor.
I followed with the Judge, aware as I did so that Mr. Cary’s humour was in no way improved by the knowledge that convention required I should be partnered for the first dance by my host.
I LONGED to dance with Mr. Cray and to lighten his mood by assuring him that no compliment from Sir George could ever matter one half as much to me as any he himself might make, and whenever we passed him as we circled the great door, I tried to catch his eye and smile my reassurance. But he seemed not to see me and stood aloof from the others in the party who were not dancing, staring stonily before him until the music ended and the Judge led me back to my seat.
When at last we took the floor together I found Mr. Cray danced extremely well and, whenever I caught sight of our joint reflection in the long mirrors, I was filled with pride in his handsome appearance.
The dancing seemed to restore his good humour, too, and after a few minutes he apologized abruptly for his earlier silence, saying, "It is just that Grey has returned to New Zealand without his wife and in such circumstances he has no right to make you as conspicuous as he did."
"But Mr. Cray!" I protested, half laughingly. "A compliment from a married man, before friends."
"That is precisely the point!" he said, flushing a little. "If the compliment had been paid in the presence of his wife, there could be no harm in it. But his present state is near enough to that of an unattached man for such behaviour to be impertinent."
I privately thought his criticism to be unjustified, but I determined, in order to please Mr. Cary, to be more circumspect in future.
When we rejoined the Judge and Mrs. Bullen, the Judge suggested that his wife and I might enjoy an ice as the ballroom was becoming too warm for comfort. On our agreeing, he escorted us to an ante-room, and then went into the garden with Mr. Cary to smoke a cigar.
There were several other ladies there, and we passed the time pleasantly chatting together. Then suddenly my heart missed a beat. Coming towards us was Mr. Pendennis. I had been utterly discomfited by the sight of him, but mercifully by the time he stood before us I was fairly in command of myself and was able to incline my head in answer to his greeting as coolly as if we were meeting for the first time.
He stood talking with Mrs. Bullen for some minutes, mainly, it appeared, concerning some matters on which he was engaged with the Governor, and then, under Mrs. Bulien's smiling gaze, he turned to me.
"May I have the pleasure of the next waltz, Miss Bravender?"
With Mrs. Bullen smiling her whole hearted approval and Mr. Cray nowhere in sight, it was patently impossible to refuse. Reluctantly I rose and, taking the proffered arm, allowed him to conduct me back to the ballroom.
As we waited for the music to begin, he said coolly, "The Judge tells me you are making quite good progress with the Maori language, Miss Bravender. " I felt myself colour, remembering the little dictionary, but before I could think how to reply he added, "Does that mean you have decided to stay among us?"
I would not allow myself to answer his question for fear my, anger at its meaning should make me say more than I intended.
Instead, I said coldly, "Yes, I am finding the language a fascinating study, Mr. Pendennis."
He was silent for a moment as if waiting for me to say more, and I felt my embarrassment grow as I still could not think how to broach the subject of the book he had given me.
Then he said politely, "It is a most expressive tongue, you may have found it so already."
He was silent again, and I said, flushing a little, "I fear I am not sufficiently advanced in my studies to give an opinion."
At that moment the orchestra struck up, and he led me forward. At once we were circling the great floor in perfect harmony. I had never known the pleasure of dancing with a partner whose every least movement so perfectly matched my own and in giving myself up to the sheer joy of doing something supremely well, I seemed completely to forget who it was that held me.
I was vaguely conscious at one point that the dancers seemed to be thinning out around us, but when I made to look about me, Mr. Pendennis tightened his hold and a moment later I felt myself being whirled round and round in great, sweeping circles.
When the orchestra finally stopped we were alone in the centre of the floor, with all the other dancers grouped round its edge. For a moment I was too shocked, to hear the clapping and the cries of "Bravo!" Then as Mr. Pendennis led me to the Governor, I realized what it meant: I had been acclaimed belle of the ball.
I hardly noticed that Sir George's dancing was as bad as any I had ever encountered: the magic of the previous minutes was still with me as he waltzed me, carefully round the huge room.
But when at the completion of our circuit the other dancers took the floor again and he returned me to Mr. Pendennis, the recognition of the, latter's continuing claim on me set me trembling, and 1 thought 1 must surely swoon if he were to hold me again as he had done before.
BUT as he offered his arm it was clear he had no wish to continue the dance, for he half turned and indicated the doorway leading to a loggia at the end of the ballroom.
I had preceded him on to it almost unconsciously and was standing at the balustrade gazing over the lighted gardens when suddenly he said, so quietIy that I barely heard, "Titian would have immortalized you."
I could think of nothing to say and stood helplessly returning his ardent gaze for what seemed an eternity, although I know it could have been no more than a matter of seconds. Then he stepped forward as if he could not prevent himself.
"Miss Bravender," he began, almost pleadingly, but as if he had heard his own voice and been shocked by it, he checked himself immediately "Perhaps I could fetch your wrap, ma'am?" he amended, was his suave, coolly-spoken self again as he said it.
"I-I am not cold, I thank you."
He had turned as if to go, but spun at my words. They could not have been more a shock to him than they were to me. For an instant he stared at me and I felt that in another he would be at my side, even if I did not obey the almost physical impulse I felt to move towards him.
Then just as the strange, intent gaze was beginning to soften and his whole person to relax, I saw my fiance come through the doorway behind him, his face like thunder.
Suddenly I saw the tableau through Mr. Cary’s eyes and was filled with shame at how it must appear to him and that I had not once thought of him since the first step I had danced with Mr. Pendennis. Now, before the latter had noticed him, Mr. Cary had caught him by the arm.
"How dare you, sir!" he said furiously, and although he was keeping his voice low I could see he was almost beside himself with temper and I was horrified to realize he might well create a scene on the loggia where there we're now other couples.
I WAS relieved to see that Mr. Pendennis was more amused than annoyed as he disengaged his arm.
"How dare I what, sir?" he asked.
"Are you trying to make a laughing stock of me?" demanded Mr. Cary "I will have you know that Miss Bravender is my fiancee."
"Indeed, sir, I am well aware of it," Mr. Pendennis replied. "There, has been less evidence of late that you yourself were."
I went forward and took Mr. Cary’s arm, wanting only that he should say no more, but he ignored my hand as he said, "I demand you do not approach Miss Bravender in any way again. Your attentions are as unwelcome to her as they are to me."
"I think you must allow Miss Bravender to choose her own friends," Mr. Pendennis said quietly.
"She has no need of your friendship!" retorted Mr. Cray.
"I trust she never will have," was the dry rejoinder. "But if she ever should, she will not ask in vain."
"An offer of which I shall be at pains not to take advantage, sir," I said stiffly, feeling almost certain that he had read my thoughts, and my cheeks burned as he cocked one eyebrow in obvious amusement.
"Who knows? The occasion may not be of your making, ma'am," he said lightly.
"If you are not a friend of my fiance's," I said coldly, "then you are assuredly no friend of mine. I wish you good evening, sir."
And with Mr. Cary close behind me, I turned to sweep indoors. I had taken only two or three steps into the ballroom when I felt myself jerked backwards, completely off balance, and knew that in his hurry Mr. Cray must have stepped on my gown, The next moment I had fallen.
My shame was so great that I was incapable of moving, but almost in the same instant I was set on my feet again and a firm hand under my arm led me from the ballroom. I was only too conscious of the barely concealed amusement on the faces about us as we went and I held my head high, looking straight before me, until we were, well clear of the room. Then I turned, almost in tears in my mortification, and was appalled to find myself meeting the amused regard of Mr. Pendennis.
"You see, ma'am," he said, "The occasion was not of your making," Thinking him to be my fiance, I had leaned heavily on him as we walked and now I looked wildly round for Mr. Cray as he added, "Pray do not upset yourself: you will have gained a multitude of sympathizers among the ladies who were previously resentful of your success this evening,"
It had all happened, unbelievably, in a matter of seconds. ,
Before I could answer, Mr. Cray was at my side.
"By heaven, sir, I could call you out for this!" he said, furiously, and Mr. Pendennis raised his brows.
"For removing your fiancee from the scene of her embarrassment?" he asked. "Indeed, she might have fared better if your own arm had been offered before her fall."
"How dare you!" said Mr. Cary, now scarlet with anger. "You know well it was I who fell first."
Mr. Pendennis inclined his head in agreement. "Then I shall leave you to make the requisite apologies." With a slight bow, he added, "I wish you good night, Miss Bravender, and au revoir," and with that he turned on his heel and strode off down the broad staircase that led out to the carriageway.
FOR a few seconds Mr, Cray seemed to hesitate, then with a muttered exclamation he ran down the stairs after him.
I stood transfixed as I saw him disappear through the great doors in the wake of Mr. Pendennis, then the realization that the two men might well come to blows brought me to my senses and I hurried after him.
Mr. Cray and Mr. Pendennis were standing in the drive outside the house, beyond a carriage, the horses of which were pawing restlessly. To reach them without risking injury from the spirited animals, I was forced to make my way along a narrow grass verge and so came almost up to the two men without their seeing or hearing my approach.
"You are a fool Cary. If you force me to fight you, I shall certainly beat you," Mr. Pendennis was saying.
Mr. Cray retorted, "You are a coward, sir!"
"And I repeat, you are a fool," said Mr. Pendennis calmly. Then with sudden heat he added, "I doubted the value of my action at the time, but I never dreamed the day would come when I should regret the impulse that drove me to save your life!"
I stood stock still as I heard him: I was not intending to eavesdrop, but in my shock at the sudden revelation I was unable to make my feet obey my brain.
THEN I heard Mr. Cray say bitterly; "You'll take care I don't forget that, won't you? I wonder you did not boast of it to Miss Bravender!"
Mr. Pendennis’s face darkened. "There are features of the story which would scarcely be fit for her ears," he said harshly.
He made to move on and Mr Cray had to turn so that he was almost facing me as he answered him, but he did not seem to see me standing there.
"It is scarcely a thing to boast of the fact that the natives will do your bidding!" he said scornfully. "I wonder you dare show your face in such company as tonight's, with the knowledge of your friendship with the Maori rebels upon you!"
The words came tumbling out as if he said more than he intended, but could not stop himself.
"Whose rifles are they using, eh?" he cried, and I saw the other man stiffen. "There are plenty of us who know how you trade with the natives, how you encourage them to turn against the authorities. We're not all as gullible as your friend Governor Grey!"
Mr. Pendennis moved as if he would strike him, then his hand fell to his side as he said quietly, "If it were not for the embarrassment it would cause Miss Bravender to find her escort in such case, I should whip you within an inch of your life!"
"Don't drag my fiancee's name into this!" cried Mr. Cary furiously, and Mr. Pendennis laughed harshly.
"I admit I find it hard to remember that Miss Bravender will possibly have the misfortune to become your wife," he said, and in that moment Mr. Cray struck him across the mouth.
I had crossed the intervening driveway before Mr. Pendennis could return the blow and as I faced him, trembling, my fiance quickly drew my arm through his.
Mr. Pendennis had obviously not dreamed that I was there and as he stared in amazement I said icily, "Perhaps this will teach you to choose your words with more care, sir!" Then added in a sudden flash of anger, "And it is my pleasure to inform you that I undoubtedly shall have the good fortune to become Mr. Cary’s wife."
He smiled sardonically and executed a sweeping bow.
"Then all that remains to be seen is whether Mr. Cray remembers to be present at your arrival on that occasion," said Mr. Pendennis.
"Why," you blackguard--" Mr. Cary began.
I pressed his arm to quiet him as I said, "I find your insolence as intolerable as your presence, Mr. Pendennis. You will excuse us.
" With my arm in Mr. Cary’s, we turned and left him.
As we entered the house Mr. Cray turned furiously on, me."Why did you dance with him? Why permit him to single you out in such a way? What was he saying to you when you were alone on the terrace?"
My astonishment at such a catechism must have shown in my face, for be suddenly looked distressed, as he broke off and pressed his hand to his forehead. "I’m sorry, but you don't know this fellow and the trouble he causes. He trades with the rebellious Maoris, takes their part."
As I had' not told him of my meeting with Mr. Pendennis, and this was no moment to make good my omission, I could do no more than try to pacify him, and by the time we rejoined the Judge and Mrs. Bullen he was apparently calm again.
The rest of the evening passed without incident. I dearly wished that I could have spoken to Mrs. Bullen about what had happened, but to have done so would have distressed her, as she and the Judge appeared to have an unaccountably high opinion of Mr. Pendennis.
It was on the afternoon of the next day that the Judge intimated that he would like to have a quiet talk with me, and suggested we should go into the library. I was filled with misgivings, for I was sure he was going to advise me to delay my marriage, and I feared his calm reasonableness might be my undoing.
In this I was wrong. He appeared less concerned with the date of the wedding than the fact that it was to take place at all.
He began by reminding me of what I already knew: that he and Mrs. Bullen had had a daughter who, if she had lived, would have been about my age, then he went on, "You may have guessed that we are more than comfortably off, my dear, and that we have no near relatives?"
He broke off for a moment and then continued, "Mary, try to see it our way. If we had died and our daughter had lived and she had found herself in the position in which you are at the moment. I would have prayed that she would find good friends to help her. And that is precisely what Mrs. Bullen and I wish to be to you, my dear.
“Don’t misunderstand me, my dear. Mr. Cray may well be the one person in this world for you, but that is something one must endeavour to ascertain before marriage and not after. That is the purpose of a period of betrothal. Mary, my dear child, my wife and I are afraid that a set of circumstances has caused you to decide to marry this young man, and if that is so, well, we want to help."
He took my hand for a moment, then released it. "You mustn't mind that Mrs. Bullen and I have discussed you. You have become very dear to us. My wife tells me that in all the time she has known you she has never once heard you speak of love."
I FELT the colour rise in my cheeks as he spoke, but he continued, "Now that may well be simply an indication of your natural reserve. Or maybe it means you are not yet sure what constitutes love. Whatever the reason, it is the absence of the word which has worried my wife.
"The basic factor in marriage, the one undeniable essence of love in all its forms is trust. If you can trust each other implicitly, you have love.
"This is of supreme importance, my dear. To contemplate marriage with a person with whom one cannot speak freely on any matter under the sun would be nothing short of lunacy."
My mouth felt dry as he finished speaking. I think I must unconsciously have held my breath until he did so and I was aware that if he were to ask me if I could speak with utter freedom to Mr. Cary I should not truthfully be able to tell him, "Yes." But already he had changed the subject.
"All this without reaching the point!" he exclaimed, and became serious suddenly. "What I set out to say to you, Mary, is that Mrs. Bullen and I want to ask you to take the place of our daughter in our lives, this regardless of whether you marry this week, next week, or never.
"You already occupy that place in our hearts, but now we want you to know that as long as we live our home is yours, indeed that you must not want for anything and after we have gone, all we have will be yours."
There were tears, in my eyes as he spoke, for I knew that he was trying not to let me guess that they believed I was marrying Mr. Cray for security.
He went on, "And, my dear, if when you have considered it, you decide that you would like to delay your wedding for the time being, please realize that your present arrangements are not irrevocable.
"If your young man truly loves you, he will wait for you, and if you want me to speak to him on the subject, I shall do so gladly. But if your plans remain firm I shall just as gladly and very proudly take over the duty of adopted father and give the bride away."
My heart was touched and warmed deeply by the regard in which the Judge and Mrs. Bullen clearly held me. Almost I wished that I might truly make my home with them for a little while. Indeed, I think, if he had added one word more, I should have been tempted to postpone my wedding, despite the knowledge that, having given my word to Mr. Cary I must assuredly keep it. But as the Judge waited for my answer, the moment passed.
Sensing his fear that I was marrying Mr. Cray to gain security. I told him of the family property I had inherited which was now being administered for me by our old family lawyer.
His surprise was obvious, and it was then that I first suspected that Mr. Pendennis’s belief that I had been attracted to Mr. Cary’s "financial" success had been shared.
"I can only be grateful you have nature to regard my suggestion as impertinent," he said ruefully, when I had done.
I laid my hand on his arm in quick assurance. "I am moved beyond words by your offer, I trust you will still wish me to regard myself as a member of your family?" .
He kissed my cheek and said, not without emotion, that as long as he and Mrs. Bullen lived, this would be so.
When we returned to the drawing room, my fiance was there talking to Mrs Bullen and in my slight guilt at the faint doubts I had experienced a few minutes earlier, I set myself out to be particularly charming.
BUT later when he was leaving and I accompanied him along to the path to see him on his way, he suddenly turned and, said, "What kept you so long with the Judge? The Bullens want you to wait, don't. they? Or was he trying to put off our marriage altogether?"
I said, "Indeed he was not!" Somehow I could not speak of the wonderful gesture of the Judge and his wife, and I added quickly. "He has been so kind, he asked if he might give me away tomorrow."
At this he relaxed again, murmuring his apologies.
"It is just that I am still afraid," he said. "I cannot believe that something will not happen to prevent the wedding."
He was trembling and I hushed him, my finger on his lips:
"Nothing can prevent it, I promise you. Tomorrow there will be no more doubts. Tomorrow I shall be Mrs. Edward Carven Cary."
The sun shone brightly on my wedding day. Indeed, the only cloud upon the occasion was Aunt Saire’s absence from it.
She would have been pleased with my appearance, of that I was certain. My dress of pale grey silk looked particularly well. My hair for once obeyed my fingers easily, and a faint flush on my cheeks made my eyes seem brighter.
Mrs. Bullen's morning kiss had been accompanied by the presentation of a beautiful string of pearls from herself and her husband and I was perilously near to tears as she fastened them about my throat. .
The Judge had sent his driver that morning to time the carriage over the route to the church and assured us he would have us there in time. True to his word, we arrived exactly to the minute. Mr. Cray was not there.
THE minister's wife met the carriage and asked us to come into the walled garden of the manse so that I might not be seen waiting from the street, and Mrs. Bullen and I followed her. We left the Judge on the look out for my fiance arrival and he sent his coachman off to ascertain whether Mr. Cray had quit his hotel. It was twenty minutes before Mr. Bullen came to tell us Mr. Cray had arrived. When he did so, he said that if he had not known Mr. Cary’s teetotal habits, he would have sworn that he was intoxicated.
My only concern was that no accident had befallen him and I almost laughed in my relief, for in all his visits to us in London we had never been able to tempt him to as much as a glass of cider, and I said so. "Well, pray heaven you are right my dear," said the Judge candidly. "He says it was a return of the illness he has had, but insists he is well enough to go on."
He regarded me sceptically for a moment and seemed about to say more, but was prevented by the arrival of the verger who had come to fetch us into the church.
Mr. Cray turned his head quickly for an instant as I reached his side. His face was flushed, and I judged he must be feeling dreadfully embarrassed. I tried to catch his glance to smile my reassurance that I was in noway put about. But he kept his eyes on the minister throughout the simple ceremony, and afterwards there was no way to tell him that I cared nothing but that he was safe and well.
The minister's family and a handful of neighbours were collected together for the wedding breakfast at the manse and it was not possible for us to speak alone.
Then when we were about to leave for the hotel at which we were to spend the night, the Judge's carriage came bowling up at great speed and the coachman jumped down, looking very flustered, and hurried across the road towards us.
For a moment he stood gaping in astonishment at the sight of Mr. Cray at my side, shaking hands with our little group of well wishers, then I saw him turn to Mr. Bullen with some remark at which the Judge seemed to change colour.
THERE was a further exchange between them, but I was scarcely aware of it as I took a fond farewell of Mrs. Bullen. I had only just realized that it might well be months before I should see these two dear people again, and my eyes were blinded with sudden tears.
It was doubtless for this reason that I did not notice for a moment that Mr. Cray was no longer beside me, but when I looked back I saw that the Judge was holding him by the arm and speaking urgently to him.
Then suddenly Mr. Cray, his face flushed, pulled away from the Judge and jumped up to join me, slamming the carriage door as he did so. The others fell back as the Judge propelled his wife forward as if to take their last farewells and I saw her hand fly to her mouth as he murmured something to her.
The next moment he was leaning in through the window with an unusually stern expression on his face. He spoke very quietly so that no one else should hear and for a moment I could not fathom what he was saying, but it obviously angered Mr. Cray, who leaned up to rap on the ceiling for the driver to start.
But the Judge made a gesture to the coachman and the horses did not move as he repeated the question, "Mary, would you prefer to return with us for tonight?"
I was utterly astonished at such a question, and before I could frame my reply, Mr. Cray said coldly, "You are upsetting my wife, sir!"
"I had rather upset her a little now than see her deeply hurt later!" returned the Judge grimly.
I STARED blankly at them both, and he added quickly, "I don't believe you have understood what I have said, my dear. My coachman tells me that Mr. Cray has not been seen at his hotel these past few days until he was brought there near senseless an hour before the wedding. Coming on top of his earlier absence, well, at all events I have asked him to return with you to our home for tonight at least, until he has given an account of his actions."
I was staring at him, shocked, and as he finished speaking I whispered, "But there must be some mistake! I know it cannot be true." I turned to Mr. Cray. "Tell him it is not true, that the man has been to the wrong hotel. Tell him!" I said, and he smiled at me oddly.
" It is enough for me that you believe me," he said, and I quickly pressed his hand.
"My dear child" the Judge began, and then broke off to say, "But it is impossible to talk here. If you would both come back to our house, no one need know, and we can discuss it calmly."
Mr. Cray was gazing at me as if his life depended on my answer, and I suddenly saw how terrible a start to our marriage it would make if I were to fail him now.
As I met his gaze, I could remember only that this was the man to whom Aunt Saire had entrusted me.
My hand in his, I turned to Mr. Bullen and said, "I promise you I have no doubt that, whatever Mr. Cray’s explanation, it will be more than satisfactory.
The Judge's shoulders seemed to sag. He stood back, and with his arm round his wife, raised his hat as Mr. Cray leaned forward once again and rapped on the driver's box.
A half hour later, conspicuous in my wedding finery, I had to stand uselessly by while Mr Cray was helped from the carriage and up the stairs to our room at the inn.
He was obviously only semiconscious and I was completely distraught until a doctor had been fetched. The proprietress insisted on my waiting in her private parlour.
A FEW minutes later as he came into the room she left it, I knew she had gone to save me further embarrassment when he told me bluntly that Mr. Cray was plainly drunk. He suggested kindly that he had been made a victim of some of his bachelor friends, and said that he would have recovered by morning.
When he had gone, I went back to our room. My bridegroom lay across the bed insensible, and as I looked down at him I felt a burning hatred for whoever was responsible for his condition. Someone I knew must have led him astray. When Aunt Saire and I had known him in London he had been strictly teetotal.
The doctor had loosened his collar and vest and there seemed little I could do other than remove his boots and draw the counterpane over him. Then I seated myself at the open window pressing my hands together to still their trembling. After a gentle tap at the door the proprietress entered with the hot water jugs.
The good woman was obviously very concerned and begged that I would take some sort of meal at least, and in the end I agreed to go down.
When I returned to the bedroom, I found my husband had not moved. A lighted lamp had been left beside the door and I set it on the dressing table and returned once again to my position at the window. But it was not long before I began to grow cold: I was already incredibly weary.
There was a screen by the toilet stand and I unpinned my hair and undressed behind it and stood in my shift to bathe in the still fairly warm water. Then, shivering violently, I tried to open the trunk in which my warmer wraps were packed.
But the straps seemed caught and I was tugging ineffectually at one when suddenly it gave and I fell backwards against the screen, sending it crashing to the floor. Shaking from fright, I pulled myself to my feet.
But as I did so there was a sound behind me and I glanced round to see Mr. Cray standing staring at me, one hand clutching the brass bedstead for support. His back was to the light and I could not see his expression but something made me shrink back.
Unable to see his eyes, I knew instinctively they were seeing only my bared shoulders and breasts where I had pulled my shift down while I bathed. I seemed bereft of speech and unable to act: I could think only of the expression on his face when he had first seen my ball-gown.
I tried with all my might to speak, but my mouth was dry and no words would come. Neither could I will my suddenly nerveless hands to reach up to pull my shift into place. It seemed pointless, at all events: the fact that he had seen me in my shift at all had the quality of a nightmare. It could scarcely have been worse had I been completely unclad.
IT seems impossible, yet I know there was no more than a second or two between my seeing him and his lunge towards me. Looking back, I seem to nave been frozen in my shame for an age. Even now I feel sick when I think of that first night of my marriage when my husband showed neither love nor tenderness.
Oh, God, I found myself praying, surely this is not the whole of marriage: this is not what love in marriage is meant to be!
When at last he lay asleep at my side, my only thought was of escape. But when I made to move, he turned and grasped my wrist with such force that I cried out, and thereafter lay and sobbed myself to sleep.
@ by Olga Stringfellow, 1959
NEXT WEEK: I realize the truth about my husband
WE stood there smiling at each other for several seconds. It was thus that Mrs. Bullen found us when she came to call us to breakfast. During the meal I studied him covertly whenever he was not looking my way, but although I was aware of some definite change in him I could not have said what it was and finally set it down to his unaccustomed pallor. He was even handsomer than I had realized and I was delighted to see how well he and these dear people got on together. Mrs. Bullen invited him to join me as their guest, but he explained he was staying at an hotel beside the market expressly to be able to attend the early morning sales and, apart from the inconvenience to a hostess of a guest who rose at five, he liked to take the opportunity these occasions provided of increasing his knowledge of farming affairs.
I felt very proud of him as he spoke, and I could see that the Judge and his wife were equally approving of both his industry and his modesty.
It was only as we were finishing the meal that I learned with great pleasure that we were all to go to a ball that night at the Governor's Residence.
"We were not going to mention it if Mr. Cary had not arrived in time," said Mrs. Bullen, smiling at my astonishment. "But the menfolk have agreed between them that it would be a very pleasant way to celebrate your reunion and I must say I am delighted that we shall be going after all."
THE Judge left immediately after breakfast and Mrs. Bullen made some excuse for leaving Mr. Cary and me alone. The slight strain there had been between us earlier had disappeared, but there was a certain natural strangeness after the months of separation and I was glad when he spoke not of us, but of Aunt Saire.
He was very kind and sympathetic with me in my loss, saying what I had not known before, that she had told him herself of her weak heart, and had said she asked only to be spared until I had no more need of her.
I was very near to tears when he had finished and he added, "I have often wondered if she knew before I did of my regard for you, and was trying to point the way."
I looked at him wonderingly, for it had certainly sounded very like it and it would mean a great deal to me to know that our marriage was what she had planned and would have wanted.
Suddenly he said: "I know this will come as a shock to you, Miss Bravender, but I have obtained a special licence. I have even," he added, with an attempt at a smile which did not quite succeed, "engaged the church and been invited to bring my bride and any friends to the minister's home for refreshments after the ceremony, if you will agree, we can be married there the day after tomorrow."
"The day after tomorrow!" I said. "Two days?"
He dropped his glance and said, "Forgive me. I had no right to ask. But I have left my young trainee in charge at Parenga and I must get back. It is unlikely that I could get back again in less than six weeks."
When I did not immediately reply he turned away, obviously hurt, and I felt my hesitation was cruel. I was well aware that I could stay with Mrs. Bullen for the six weeks or more, if necessary. And indeed that she would certainly prefer that I did so.
I FELT that Aunt Saire would indeed have felt the same, but there was the indisputable fact that she had trusted Mr. Cray with a secret that she had kept even from me, and that she had discussed with him her concern for my future welfare.
And since we were to marry, what could it matter when we did so? I should be flattered that he wished to speed the day. But it was when I looked up to see him staring moodily out over the harbour that I made up my mind.
There was something in his pose that reminded me of the lonely life he had painted which had first aroused my sympathy for him and Mrs. Bullen's translation of the name of the district where he lived came back: "The Place of the Long Waiting."
I reached up to touch his arm and he turned at once.
"I had rather we were married before you left," I said, and was rewarded by the swift lightening of his expression.
He was in the best of spirits thereafter and I made an effort to match his gaiety.But my feelings were in some confusion. I did not even understand my own slightly shocked reaction to our immediate marriage, since that was precisely what I had anticipated on my journey out to New Zealand.
WHEN it came to telling Mrs. Bullen of our plans, however, I concealed my own doubts and indeed found a hundred answers to hers. Mr. Cary had stayed to luncheon but left soon after and once she had assured herself of my absolute determination not to consider a postponement of the ceremony, we spent a very pleasant afternoon together, during which she gave me one of her favourite recipe books, and a great deal of information that would be helpful to me as a housewife in a new country.
For the Governor's Ball I had decided to wear a rose silk crinoline, quite the most splendid garment I possessed, which was one of the Paris models Aunt Saire had urged me to buy and finally purchased for me. I had never worn it before, but tonight I wished to look my best.
There was no doubt that I did. When I finally stood before the cheval glass I knew that I had never in my life been more satisfied with my appearance and I blessed Aunt Saire as I went proudly to join my fiance.
He was standing at the open windows, gazing down at the lights of the town below with the same morose look I had seen earlier that day and I smiled a little, knowing how his expression would change when he saw me.
"Good , evening sir!" I said lightly, and curtsied as he turned.
But the smile I had expected did not come and I rose, embarrassed, too amazed at the brooding disapproval on his face to realize that he had not even returned my greeting.
" Is anything wrong?" I asked. He said, unbelievingly, "Do you intend to let other men see you in that gown?"
I felt myself blench at his tone and a moment later flush scarlet as I saw where his glance was directed and recognized the rebuke for what it was: a suggestion that my decolletage was not completely modest. I stared at him dumbfounded.
THE next moment he had crossed over and fallen to his knees before me, begging my forgiveness. He had been ill, he told me: that was the chief, reason for his delay in coming.
And all the time he had been haunted by the fear that I would not come, that I would change my mind, that I would meet someone more worthy of me. He had been further tormented by the thought of other men sharing my life aboard the ship.
He had clasped my left hand in both his own, and although I knew I would not soon lose the chill his words had laid upon my heart, the torrent of shamed apology that tumbled from his lips aroused my compassion. My right hand seemed to move of its own volition. I found myself stroking his hair.
"Hush," I murmured."Hush," and as he lifted my imprisoned hand to his mouth I found his cheek was wet with tears.
I felt that I had aged ten years in as many minutes, and realized that a large part of my feeling towards this man was indeed maternal: I wanted to comfort him, reassure him. I had never known a moment's jealousy in my life and found its manifestation appalling, but that did not alter the fact that he had suffered through it.
I bent to press my cheek against the top of his head, then gently tugged at his hands.
"Come," I said. "I want you to point out to me the Governor's Residence. I am sure it must be well lighted tonight."
I made no attempt to meet his eyes and he did not answer, but he held my hand tightly as I led him into the garden and as soon as we had reached the darkness beyond the lamplight he turned suddenly and took me in his arms, pressing his lips on mine.
It was the first time he had ever kissed me and I immediately wished it could have been undone. I don't know what I had expected and certainly had no yardstick of comparison. But I had long imagined the first kiss of a lover to be somehow transforming to the recipient, something that lifted one's heart until one walked on air, and I was ruefully aware that the reality was a far cry from my dream.
I wondered if Mr. Cray were sharing my feelings in the matter, but it did not seem likely: my move to give him the chance to compose himself before our hosts joined us had been altogether successful.
His whole mien had changed mercurially as he pointed out first one and then another of the more notable buildings of the town. By the time we heard Mrs. Bullen call us from the drawing-room he was completely himself again.
Both she and the Judge complimented me highly on my appearance, and by the time we set off by carriage for the Governor's Residence my spirits had lifted, and I was determined that I would allow no recollection of my fiance's strange behaviour to mar our first evening together.
It was evident by the way the Judge and his wife were greeted at the magnificent Residence that the pair were frequent and honoured guests, and I soon found this to be an indication of what was to come, for they seemed to know and be known by everyone present and were most warmly received by the Governor himself, who insisted that we must join his own party.
I soon lost hope of remembering the names of all I met, but I should have had to be blind and deaf to be unaware of all the compliments paid me.
The ballroom presented a truly beautiful sight. Four magnificent chandeliers repeated themselves it hundred times in the huge mirrors that lined the wall along one side and were reflected brilliantly in the tall windows on the other.
But the ladies in the party smiled indulgently as the Governor said, "Ah Miss Bravender, but have you not found that the further we British travel from home, the more we try to recreate the scene we miss?" He smiled. "Which of you is without an English rose in your garden?"IN such surroundings, the modish gowns and gay uniforms of the guests were displayed to perfection and in my amazement that the "wild" country to which I had come could present such a highly civilized spectacle, I had commented on it involuntarily before I realized my remark might be taken amiss.
There was a chorus of laughing assent and Judge Bullen said, smiling down at me, "Well, my wife and I can certainly claim to have transplanted a rose of Scotland to ours," and I flushed at the compliment as Sir George bowed in agreement.
"I trust you will find the transplantation to your taste; Miss Bravender" he said kindly. "If you stay among us we shall be able to feel we have truly plucked a flower from the home country."
As I thanked him for his compliment, I saw from Mr. Cary’s expression that he disliked the manner in which the Governor had singled me out for attention and, although I could see no reason for such objection, I was nevertheless relieved when Sir George gave the signal for the ball to commence by leading Mrs. Bullen out on to the floor.
I followed with the Judge, aware as I did so that Mr. Cary’s humour was in no way improved by the knowledge that convention required I should be partnered for the first dance by my host.
I LONGED to dance with Mr. Cray and to lighten his mood by assuring him that no compliment from Sir George could ever matter one half as much to me as any he himself might make, and whenever we passed him as we circled the great door, I tried to catch his eye and smile my reassurance. But he seemed not to see me and stood aloof from the others in the party who were not dancing, staring stonily before him until the music ended and the Judge led me back to my seat.
When at last we took the floor together I found Mr. Cray danced extremely well and, whenever I caught sight of our joint reflection in the long mirrors, I was filled with pride in his handsome appearance.
The dancing seemed to restore his good humour, too, and after a few minutes he apologized abruptly for his earlier silence, saying, "It is just that Grey has returned to New Zealand without his wife and in such circumstances he has no right to make you as conspicuous as he did."
"But Mr. Cray!" I protested, half laughingly. "A compliment from a married man, before friends."
"That is precisely the point!" he said, flushing a little. "If the compliment had been paid in the presence of his wife, there could be no harm in it. But his present state is near enough to that of an unattached man for such behaviour to be impertinent."
I privately thought his criticism to be unjustified, but I determined, in order to please Mr. Cary, to be more circumspect in future.
When we rejoined the Judge and Mrs. Bullen, the Judge suggested that his wife and I might enjoy an ice as the ballroom was becoming too warm for comfort. On our agreeing, he escorted us to an ante-room, and then went into the garden with Mr. Cary to smoke a cigar.
There were several other ladies there, and we passed the time pleasantly chatting together. Then suddenly my heart missed a beat. Coming towards us was Mr. Pendennis. I had been utterly discomfited by the sight of him, but mercifully by the time he stood before us I was fairly in command of myself and was able to incline my head in answer to his greeting as coolly as if we were meeting for the first time.
He stood talking with Mrs. Bullen for some minutes, mainly, it appeared, concerning some matters on which he was engaged with the Governor, and then, under Mrs. Bulien's smiling gaze, he turned to me.
"May I have the pleasure of the next waltz, Miss Bravender?"
With Mrs. Bullen smiling her whole hearted approval and Mr. Cray nowhere in sight, it was patently impossible to refuse. Reluctantly I rose and, taking the proffered arm, allowed him to conduct me back to the ballroom.
As we waited for the music to begin, he said coolly, "The Judge tells me you are making quite good progress with the Maori language, Miss Bravender. " I felt myself colour, remembering the little dictionary, but before I could think how to reply he added, "Does that mean you have decided to stay among us?"
I would not allow myself to answer his question for fear my, anger at its meaning should make me say more than I intended.
Instead, I said coldly, "Yes, I am finding the language a fascinating study, Mr. Pendennis."
He was silent for a moment as if waiting for me to say more, and I felt my embarrassment grow as I still could not think how to broach the subject of the book he had given me.
Then he said politely, "It is a most expressive tongue, you may have found it so already."
He was silent again, and I said, flushing a little, "I fear I am not sufficiently advanced in my studies to give an opinion."
At that moment the orchestra struck up, and he led me forward. At once we were circling the great floor in perfect harmony. I had never known the pleasure of dancing with a partner whose every least movement so perfectly matched my own and in giving myself up to the sheer joy of doing something supremely well, I seemed completely to forget who it was that held me.
I was vaguely conscious at one point that the dancers seemed to be thinning out around us, but when I made to look about me, Mr. Pendennis tightened his hold and a moment later I felt myself being whirled round and round in great, sweeping circles.
When the orchestra finally stopped we were alone in the centre of the floor, with all the other dancers grouped round its edge. For a moment I was too shocked, to hear the clapping and the cries of "Bravo!" Then as Mr. Pendennis led me to the Governor, I realized what it meant: I had been acclaimed belle of the ball.
I hardly noticed that Sir George's dancing was as bad as any I had ever encountered: the magic of the previous minutes was still with me as he waltzed me, carefully round the huge room.
But when at the completion of our circuit the other dancers took the floor again and he returned me to Mr. Pendennis, the recognition of the, latter's continuing claim on me set me trembling, and 1 thought 1 must surely swoon if he were to hold me again as he had done before.
BUT as he offered his arm it was clear he had no wish to continue the dance, for he half turned and indicated the doorway leading to a loggia at the end of the ballroom.
I had preceded him on to it almost unconsciously and was standing at the balustrade gazing over the lighted gardens when suddenly he said, so quietIy that I barely heard, "Titian would have immortalized you."
I could think of nothing to say and stood helplessly returning his ardent gaze for what seemed an eternity, although I know it could have been no more than a matter of seconds. Then he stepped forward as if he could not prevent himself.
"Miss Bravender," he began, almost pleadingly, but as if he had heard his own voice and been shocked by it, he checked himself immediately "Perhaps I could fetch your wrap, ma'am?" he amended, was his suave, coolly-spoken self again as he said it.
"I-I am not cold, I thank you."
He had turned as if to go, but spun at my words. They could not have been more a shock to him than they were to me. For an instant he stared at me and I felt that in another he would be at my side, even if I did not obey the almost physical impulse I felt to move towards him.
Then just as the strange, intent gaze was beginning to soften and his whole person to relax, I saw my fiance come through the doorway behind him, his face like thunder.
Suddenly I saw the tableau through Mr. Cary’s eyes and was filled with shame at how it must appear to him and that I had not once thought of him since the first step I had danced with Mr. Pendennis. Now, before the latter had noticed him, Mr. Cary had caught him by the arm.
"How dare you, sir!" he said furiously, and although he was keeping his voice low I could see he was almost beside himself with temper and I was horrified to realize he might well create a scene on the loggia where there we're now other couples.
I WAS relieved to see that Mr. Pendennis was more amused than annoyed as he disengaged his arm.
"How dare I what, sir?" he asked.
"Are you trying to make a laughing stock of me?" demanded Mr. Cary "I will have you know that Miss Bravender is my fiancee."
"Indeed, sir, I am well aware of it," Mr. Pendennis replied. "There, has been less evidence of late that you yourself were."
I went forward and took Mr. Cary’s arm, wanting only that he should say no more, but he ignored my hand as he said, "I demand you do not approach Miss Bravender in any way again. Your attentions are as unwelcome to her as they are to me."
"I think you must allow Miss Bravender to choose her own friends," Mr. Pendennis said quietly.
"She has no need of your friendship!" retorted Mr. Cray.
"I trust she never will have," was the dry rejoinder. "But if she ever should, she will not ask in vain."
"An offer of which I shall be at pains not to take advantage, sir," I said stiffly, feeling almost certain that he had read my thoughts, and my cheeks burned as he cocked one eyebrow in obvious amusement.
"Who knows? The occasion may not be of your making, ma'am," he said lightly.
"If you are not a friend of my fiance's," I said coldly, "then you are assuredly no friend of mine. I wish you good evening, sir."
And with Mr. Cary close behind me, I turned to sweep indoors. I had taken only two or three steps into the ballroom when I felt myself jerked backwards, completely off balance, and knew that in his hurry Mr. Cray must have stepped on my gown, The next moment I had fallen.
My shame was so great that I was incapable of moving, but almost in the same instant I was set on my feet again and a firm hand under my arm led me from the ballroom. I was only too conscious of the barely concealed amusement on the faces about us as we went and I held my head high, looking straight before me, until we were, well clear of the room. Then I turned, almost in tears in my mortification, and was appalled to find myself meeting the amused regard of Mr. Pendennis.
"You see, ma'am," he said, "The occasion was not of your making," Thinking him to be my fiance, I had leaned heavily on him as we walked and now I looked wildly round for Mr. Cray as he added, "Pray do not upset yourself: you will have gained a multitude of sympathizers among the ladies who were previously resentful of your success this evening,"
It had all happened, unbelievably, in a matter of seconds. ,
Before I could answer, Mr. Cray was at my side.
"By heaven, sir, I could call you out for this!" he said, furiously, and Mr. Pendennis raised his brows.
"For removing your fiancee from the scene of her embarrassment?" he asked. "Indeed, she might have fared better if your own arm had been offered before her fall."
"How dare you!" said Mr. Cary, now scarlet with anger. "You know well it was I who fell first."
Mr. Pendennis inclined his head in agreement. "Then I shall leave you to make the requisite apologies." With a slight bow, he added, "I wish you good night, Miss Bravender, and au revoir," and with that he turned on his heel and strode off down the broad staircase that led out to the carriageway.
FOR a few seconds Mr, Cray seemed to hesitate, then with a muttered exclamation he ran down the stairs after him.
I stood transfixed as I saw him disappear through the great doors in the wake of Mr. Pendennis, then the realization that the two men might well come to blows brought me to my senses and I hurried after him.
Mr. Cray and Mr. Pendennis were standing in the drive outside the house, beyond a carriage, the horses of which were pawing restlessly. To reach them without risking injury from the spirited animals, I was forced to make my way along a narrow grass verge and so came almost up to the two men without their seeing or hearing my approach.
"You are a fool Cary. If you force me to fight you, I shall certainly beat you," Mr. Pendennis was saying.
Mr. Cray retorted, "You are a coward, sir!"
"And I repeat, you are a fool," said Mr. Pendennis calmly. Then with sudden heat he added, "I doubted the value of my action at the time, but I never dreamed the day would come when I should regret the impulse that drove me to save your life!"
I stood stock still as I heard him: I was not intending to eavesdrop, but in my shock at the sudden revelation I was unable to make my feet obey my brain.
THEN I heard Mr. Cray say bitterly; "You'll take care I don't forget that, won't you? I wonder you did not boast of it to Miss Bravender!"
Mr. Pendennis’s face darkened. "There are features of the story which would scarcely be fit for her ears," he said harshly.
He made to move on and Mr Cray had to turn so that he was almost facing me as he answered him, but he did not seem to see me standing there.
"It is scarcely a thing to boast of the fact that the natives will do your bidding!" he said scornfully. "I wonder you dare show your face in such company as tonight's, with the knowledge of your friendship with the Maori rebels upon you!"
The words came tumbling out as if he said more than he intended, but could not stop himself.
"Whose rifles are they using, eh?" he cried, and I saw the other man stiffen. "There are plenty of us who know how you trade with the natives, how you encourage them to turn against the authorities. We're not all as gullible as your friend Governor Grey!"
Mr. Pendennis moved as if he would strike him, then his hand fell to his side as he said quietly, "If it were not for the embarrassment it would cause Miss Bravender to find her escort in such case, I should whip you within an inch of your life!"
"Don't drag my fiancee's name into this!" cried Mr. Cary furiously, and Mr. Pendennis laughed harshly.
"I admit I find it hard to remember that Miss Bravender will possibly have the misfortune to become your wife," he said, and in that moment Mr. Cray struck him across the mouth.
I had crossed the intervening driveway before Mr. Pendennis could return the blow and as I faced him, trembling, my fiance quickly drew my arm through his.
Mr. Pendennis had obviously not dreamed that I was there and as he stared in amazement I said icily, "Perhaps this will teach you to choose your words with more care, sir!" Then added in a sudden flash of anger, "And it is my pleasure to inform you that I undoubtedly shall have the good fortune to become Mr. Cary’s wife."
He smiled sardonically and executed a sweeping bow.
"Then all that remains to be seen is whether Mr. Cray remembers to be present at your arrival on that occasion," said Mr. Pendennis.
"Why," you blackguard--" Mr. Cary began.
I pressed his arm to quiet him as I said, "I find your insolence as intolerable as your presence, Mr. Pendennis. You will excuse us.
" With my arm in Mr. Cary’s, we turned and left him.
As we entered the house Mr. Cray turned furiously on, me."Why did you dance with him? Why permit him to single you out in such a way? What was he saying to you when you were alone on the terrace?"
My astonishment at such a catechism must have shown in my face, for be suddenly looked distressed, as he broke off and pressed his hand to his forehead. "I’m sorry, but you don't know this fellow and the trouble he causes. He trades with the rebellious Maoris, takes their part."
As I had' not told him of my meeting with Mr. Pendennis, and this was no moment to make good my omission, I could do no more than try to pacify him, and by the time we rejoined the Judge and Mrs. Bullen he was apparently calm again.
The rest of the evening passed without incident. I dearly wished that I could have spoken to Mrs. Bullen about what had happened, but to have done so would have distressed her, as she and the Judge appeared to have an unaccountably high opinion of Mr. Pendennis.
It was on the afternoon of the next day that the Judge intimated that he would like to have a quiet talk with me, and suggested we should go into the library. I was filled with misgivings, for I was sure he was going to advise me to delay my marriage, and I feared his calm reasonableness might be my undoing.
In this I was wrong. He appeared less concerned with the date of the wedding than the fact that it was to take place at all.
He began by reminding me of what I already knew: that he and Mrs. Bullen had had a daughter who, if she had lived, would have been about my age, then he went on, "You may have guessed that we are more than comfortably off, my dear, and that we have no near relatives?"
He broke off for a moment and then continued, "Mary, try to see it our way. If we had died and our daughter had lived and she had found herself in the position in which you are at the moment. I would have prayed that she would find good friends to help her. And that is precisely what Mrs. Bullen and I wish to be to you, my dear.
“Don’t misunderstand me, my dear. Mr. Cray may well be the one person in this world for you, but that is something one must endeavour to ascertain before marriage and not after. That is the purpose of a period of betrothal. Mary, my dear child, my wife and I are afraid that a set of circumstances has caused you to decide to marry this young man, and if that is so, well, we want to help."
He took my hand for a moment, then released it. "You mustn't mind that Mrs. Bullen and I have discussed you. You have become very dear to us. My wife tells me that in all the time she has known you she has never once heard you speak of love."
I FELT the colour rise in my cheeks as he spoke, but he continued, "Now that may well be simply an indication of your natural reserve. Or maybe it means you are not yet sure what constitutes love. Whatever the reason, it is the absence of the word which has worried my wife.
"The basic factor in marriage, the one undeniable essence of love in all its forms is trust. If you can trust each other implicitly, you have love.
"This is of supreme importance, my dear. To contemplate marriage with a person with whom one cannot speak freely on any matter under the sun would be nothing short of lunacy."
My mouth felt dry as he finished speaking. I think I must unconsciously have held my breath until he did so and I was aware that if he were to ask me if I could speak with utter freedom to Mr. Cary I should not truthfully be able to tell him, "Yes." But already he had changed the subject.
"All this without reaching the point!" he exclaimed, and became serious suddenly. "What I set out to say to you, Mary, is that Mrs. Bullen and I want to ask you to take the place of our daughter in our lives, this regardless of whether you marry this week, next week, or never.
"You already occupy that place in our hearts, but now we want you to know that as long as we live our home is yours, indeed that you must not want for anything and after we have gone, all we have will be yours."
There were tears, in my eyes as he spoke, for I knew that he was trying not to let me guess that they believed I was marrying Mr. Cray for security.
He went on, "And, my dear, if when you have considered it, you decide that you would like to delay your wedding for the time being, please realize that your present arrangements are not irrevocable.
"If your young man truly loves you, he will wait for you, and if you want me to speak to him on the subject, I shall do so gladly. But if your plans remain firm I shall just as gladly and very proudly take over the duty of adopted father and give the bride away."
My heart was touched and warmed deeply by the regard in which the Judge and Mrs. Bullen clearly held me. Almost I wished that I might truly make my home with them for a little while. Indeed, I think, if he had added one word more, I should have been tempted to postpone my wedding, despite the knowledge that, having given my word to Mr. Cary I must assuredly keep it. But as the Judge waited for my answer, the moment passed.
Sensing his fear that I was marrying Mr. Cray to gain security. I told him of the family property I had inherited which was now being administered for me by our old family lawyer.
His surprise was obvious, and it was then that I first suspected that Mr. Pendennis’s belief that I had been attracted to Mr. Cary’s "financial" success had been shared.
"I can only be grateful you have nature to regard my suggestion as impertinent," he said ruefully, when I had done.
I laid my hand on his arm in quick assurance. "I am moved beyond words by your offer, I trust you will still wish me to regard myself as a member of your family?" .
He kissed my cheek and said, not without emotion, that as long as he and Mrs. Bullen lived, this would be so.
When we returned to the drawing room, my fiance was there talking to Mrs Bullen and in my slight guilt at the faint doubts I had experienced a few minutes earlier, I set myself out to be particularly charming.
BUT later when he was leaving and I accompanied him along to the path to see him on his way, he suddenly turned and, said, "What kept you so long with the Judge? The Bullens want you to wait, don't. they? Or was he trying to put off our marriage altogether?"
I said, "Indeed he was not!" Somehow I could not speak of the wonderful gesture of the Judge and his wife, and I added quickly. "He has been so kind, he asked if he might give me away tomorrow."
At this he relaxed again, murmuring his apologies.
"It is just that I am still afraid," he said. "I cannot believe that something will not happen to prevent the wedding."
He was trembling and I hushed him, my finger on his lips:
"Nothing can prevent it, I promise you. Tomorrow there will be no more doubts. Tomorrow I shall be Mrs. Edward Carven Cary."
The sun shone brightly on my wedding day. Indeed, the only cloud upon the occasion was Aunt Saire’s absence from it.
She would have been pleased with my appearance, of that I was certain. My dress of pale grey silk looked particularly well. My hair for once obeyed my fingers easily, and a faint flush on my cheeks made my eyes seem brighter.
Mrs. Bullen's morning kiss had been accompanied by the presentation of a beautiful string of pearls from herself and her husband and I was perilously near to tears as she fastened them about my throat. .
The Judge had sent his driver that morning to time the carriage over the route to the church and assured us he would have us there in time. True to his word, we arrived exactly to the minute. Mr. Cray was not there.
THE minister's wife met the carriage and asked us to come into the walled garden of the manse so that I might not be seen waiting from the street, and Mrs. Bullen and I followed her. We left the Judge on the look out for my fiance arrival and he sent his coachman off to ascertain whether Mr. Cray had quit his hotel. It was twenty minutes before Mr. Bullen came to tell us Mr. Cray had arrived. When he did so, he said that if he had not known Mr. Cary’s teetotal habits, he would have sworn that he was intoxicated.
My only concern was that no accident had befallen him and I almost laughed in my relief, for in all his visits to us in London we had never been able to tempt him to as much as a glass of cider, and I said so. "Well, pray heaven you are right my dear," said the Judge candidly. "He says it was a return of the illness he has had, but insists he is well enough to go on."
He regarded me sceptically for a moment and seemed about to say more, but was prevented by the arrival of the verger who had come to fetch us into the church.
Mr. Cray turned his head quickly for an instant as I reached his side. His face was flushed, and I judged he must be feeling dreadfully embarrassed. I tried to catch his glance to smile my reassurance that I was in noway put about. But he kept his eyes on the minister throughout the simple ceremony, and afterwards there was no way to tell him that I cared nothing but that he was safe and well.
The minister's family and a handful of neighbours were collected together for the wedding breakfast at the manse and it was not possible for us to speak alone.
Then when we were about to leave for the hotel at which we were to spend the night, the Judge's carriage came bowling up at great speed and the coachman jumped down, looking very flustered, and hurried across the road towards us.
For a moment he stood gaping in astonishment at the sight of Mr. Cray at my side, shaking hands with our little group of well wishers, then I saw him turn to Mr. Bullen with some remark at which the Judge seemed to change colour.
THERE was a further exchange between them, but I was scarcely aware of it as I took a fond farewell of Mrs. Bullen. I had only just realized that it might well be months before I should see these two dear people again, and my eyes were blinded with sudden tears.
It was doubtless for this reason that I did not notice for a moment that Mr. Cray was no longer beside me, but when I looked back I saw that the Judge was holding him by the arm and speaking urgently to him.
Then suddenly Mr. Cray, his face flushed, pulled away from the Judge and jumped up to join me, slamming the carriage door as he did so. The others fell back as the Judge propelled his wife forward as if to take their last farewells and I saw her hand fly to her mouth as he murmured something to her.
The next moment he was leaning in through the window with an unusually stern expression on his face. He spoke very quietly so that no one else should hear and for a moment I could not fathom what he was saying, but it obviously angered Mr. Cray, who leaned up to rap on the ceiling for the driver to start.
But the Judge made a gesture to the coachman and the horses did not move as he repeated the question, "Mary, would you prefer to return with us for tonight?"
I was utterly astonished at such a question, and before I could frame my reply, Mr. Cray said coldly, "You are upsetting my wife, sir!"
"I had rather upset her a little now than see her deeply hurt later!" returned the Judge grimly.
I STARED blankly at them both, and he added quickly, "I don't believe you have understood what I have said, my dear. My coachman tells me that Mr. Cray has not been seen at his hotel these past few days until he was brought there near senseless an hour before the wedding. Coming on top of his earlier absence, well, at all events I have asked him to return with you to our home for tonight at least, until he has given an account of his actions."
I was staring at him, shocked, and as he finished speaking I whispered, "But there must be some mistake! I know it cannot be true." I turned to Mr. Cray. "Tell him it is not true, that the man has been to the wrong hotel. Tell him!" I said, and he smiled at me oddly.
" It is enough for me that you believe me," he said, and I quickly pressed his hand.
"My dear child" the Judge began, and then broke off to say, "But it is impossible to talk here. If you would both come back to our house, no one need know, and we can discuss it calmly."
Mr. Cray was gazing at me as if his life depended on my answer, and I suddenly saw how terrible a start to our marriage it would make if I were to fail him now.
As I met his gaze, I could remember only that this was the man to whom Aunt Saire had entrusted me.
My hand in his, I turned to Mr. Bullen and said, "I promise you I have no doubt that, whatever Mr. Cray’s explanation, it will be more than satisfactory.
The Judge's shoulders seemed to sag. He stood back, and with his arm round his wife, raised his hat as Mr. Cray leaned forward once again and rapped on the driver's box.
A half hour later, conspicuous in my wedding finery, I had to stand uselessly by while Mr Cray was helped from the carriage and up the stairs to our room at the inn.
He was obviously only semiconscious and I was completely distraught until a doctor had been fetched. The proprietress insisted on my waiting in her private parlour.
A FEW minutes later as he came into the room she left it, I knew she had gone to save me further embarrassment when he told me bluntly that Mr. Cray was plainly drunk. He suggested kindly that he had been made a victim of some of his bachelor friends, and said that he would have recovered by morning.
When he had gone, I went back to our room. My bridegroom lay across the bed insensible, and as I looked down at him I felt a burning hatred for whoever was responsible for his condition. Someone I knew must have led him astray. When Aunt Saire and I had known him in London he had been strictly teetotal.
The doctor had loosened his collar and vest and there seemed little I could do other than remove his boots and draw the counterpane over him. Then I seated myself at the open window pressing my hands together to still their trembling. After a gentle tap at the door the proprietress entered with the hot water jugs.
The good woman was obviously very concerned and begged that I would take some sort of meal at least, and in the end I agreed to go down.
When I returned to the bedroom, I found my husband had not moved. A lighted lamp had been left beside the door and I set it on the dressing table and returned once again to my position at the window. But it was not long before I began to grow cold: I was already incredibly weary.
There was a screen by the toilet stand and I unpinned my hair and undressed behind it and stood in my shift to bathe in the still fairly warm water. Then, shivering violently, I tried to open the trunk in which my warmer wraps were packed.
But the straps seemed caught and I was tugging ineffectually at one when suddenly it gave and I fell backwards against the screen, sending it crashing to the floor. Shaking from fright, I pulled myself to my feet.
But as I did so there was a sound behind me and I glanced round to see Mr. Cray standing staring at me, one hand clutching the brass bedstead for support. His back was to the light and I could not see his expression but something made me shrink back.
Unable to see his eyes, I knew instinctively they were seeing only my bared shoulders and breasts where I had pulled my shift down while I bathed. I seemed bereft of speech and unable to act: I could think only of the expression on his face when he had first seen my ball-gown.
I tried with all my might to speak, but my mouth was dry and no words would come. Neither could I will my suddenly nerveless hands to reach up to pull my shift into place. It seemed pointless, at all events: the fact that he had seen me in my shift at all had the quality of a nightmare. It could scarcely have been worse had I been completely unclad.
IT seems impossible, yet I know there was no more than a second or two between my seeing him and his lunge towards me. Looking back, I seem to nave been frozen in my shame for an age. Even now I feel sick when I think of that first night of my marriage when my husband showed neither love nor tenderness.
Oh, God, I found myself praying, surely this is not the whole of marriage: this is not what love in marriage is meant to be!
When at last he lay asleep at my side, my only thought was of escape. But when I made to move, he turned and grasped my wrist with such force that I cried out, and thereafter lay and sobbed myself to sleep.
@ by Olga Stringfellow, 1959
NEXT WEEK: I realize the truth about my husband
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